Early Riser_ The new standalone - Jasper Fforde Page 0,88

number-one cause of personal bankruptcy. Most people call it Coldsharking but bondsmen referred to their trade as “an invaluable service to the wakeratti” …’

– Handbook of Winterology, 4th edition, Hodder & Stoughton

‘I should have told you they were the same person,’ said Jonesy when she found me sitting in the staff rec room, head in hands, ‘sorry about that.’

I looked up. She was trying to hide a smile and not doing it very well.

‘To be honest,’ she added, ‘your face was pretty funny when you saw her. Like that time we were at Glastonbury together and Piano Keyes fell off the stage. Remember?’

‘No.’

‘It wasn’t funny when he fell off the stage, or not funny your face, or no, you don’t remember the time we were at Glastonbury?’

‘Some, all, I don’t know. Well, okay, sort of funny,’ I added, giving her a half-smile to at least pretend I was being a good sport. But it wasn’t funny right now. Far from it. And we were never at Glastonbury together, with or without Piano Keyes. She was making up nostalgia, and wasn’t particularly good at it.

‘Can I ask a question?’ I said.

‘Shoot.’

‘How can Toccata be a Chief Consul with a split consciousness?’

‘One could ask just as easily how Aurora can be the Head of HiberTech Security with the same problem. It’s Winter Best Practice to deal with Aurora or Toccata, but not both. I guess you’ve figured the good eye switches depending on who’s at home. Right is Aurora, left is Toccata.’

‘I’ll remember that.’

‘It could save your life.’

I paused.

‘Why does Toccata want me to spy on Aurora and HiberTech?’

‘With those two, nothing is ever clear-cut. I heartily recommend you just say nothing and follow orders.’

‘Yes,’ I replied soberly, ‘it’s probably the most important thing I’ve learned from the Logan fiasco.’

‘Now you’re getting it. Oh, and some advice: if Aurora does want you to be her dumbundle, you should try to be more discreet.’

‘I was hoping the term “bundlechum” would be more appropriate.’

‘No,’ she said after a moment’s thought, I think “dumbundle” suits the circumstances better.’ She pointed behind me. ‘You’ve met Fodder?’

The colossus of Sector Twelve was standing behind us. He looked about the same as when I’d seen him last, just wearing warmer clothes and appearing even taller and more powerful.

‘Hullo, Wonky,’ he said.

‘Can we please drop the whole Wonky thing?’ I asked. ‘It’s not really doing much for me.’

‘Jim Treacle would kill for a nickname,’ said Fodder.

‘He’s been dropping hints we could call him “Sticky” for three seasons,’ said Jonesy, ‘but we won’t give him the honour.’

‘What have I done that honours me with a nickname?’

‘You went back to get Mrs Tiffen.’

‘True – but Logan died because of it.’

‘It was the unforeseen outcome of courageous motivation and adherence to duty,’ said Fodder in a quiet voice. ‘Despite everything that happened afterwards, you have grit. You concur, Jonesy?’

‘I do,’ said Jonesy.

‘Then accept the honour, Wonky. Cherish the accolade, never complain again.’

And he pulled me into a Winter embrace. He smelled of woodsmoke, musty clothes and spent thermalites, and held me for quite a long time, and far harder than was comfortable, and kissed me softly on the ear, twice.

‘So, Wonky,’ he said once he’d let me go, ‘is that coffee any good?’

‘It’s the worst I’ve ever tasted.’

‘Excellent – after twelve years of wintering I can’t drink anything else. Pour me one, would you?’

So I did while he stared at me with his dark empty eyes.

‘What’s that worthless bag of shit’s nickname again?’ came Toccata’s voice from the other side of the office.

‘Wonky,’ said Fodder and Jonesy in unison.

‘Thanks for that,’ I said in a quiet voice.

‘Wonky?’ shouted Toccata. ‘Out the front in five.’

‘What do you think she wants?’ I asked, jumping to my feet.

‘Don’t know,’ said Fodder. ‘Perhaps she wants to have you for lunch.’

‘Very funny.’

‘You can drive,’ said Toccata, climbing into the passenger seat of Aurora’s four-wheel drive, now without the nightwalkers tied to the back.

‘Isn’t this Aurora’s transport?’ I asked, starting the vehicle anyway.

‘Like I give a shit,’ said Toccata. ‘We’re going up to HiberTech to see Aurora.’

‘Okay,’ I said, wondering how that was possible. ‘For what reason?’

‘Pantry resupply mainly, but also to find out why you were marooned. I want to see how they react to you, too. Keep your eyes and ears open and report back everything you hear. Especially any details about Project Lazarus. Let’s see how good that memory of yours actually is.’

I reversed out of the parking lot and drove down into the town