what it means,” Max said furiously. “I can’t get out. That thing” – he jabbed a finger at the miniature bottle – “has packed up, it doesn’t work any more. Brilliant for holding ten cc’s of the liquid of your choice, fuck-all use for anything else.” Suddenly he frowned, then turned his head and stared at Theo with a desperate look on his face. “Just a minute, what am I saying? You got here, right? So, you must have a working YouSpace bottle. Well?”
“Yes.”
“There you are, then.” Joyfully, Max punched his left palm with his right fist. “You can get us both out of here. I always knew there was some purpose to your existence.”
“Not got it with me, though.”
“What?”
Theo smiled at him. “Matasuntha – you know her? Right, fine. Matasuntha put knockout drops in my coffee and stranded me here. The only way I can get back again is if I look through the hole in a doughnut.”
A tragic look appeared on Max’s face. “Theo, please,” he said, “don’t crack up on me now, you’re all I’ve got. What are you talking about?”
“A doughnut,” Theo repeated calmly. “Or, apparently, a bagel, though I haven’t tried that yet. And don’t ask me how or why, but it does work. You hold it like this.” He mimed holding up a doughnut. “And you look through the hole in the middle, and, bang, you’re home.”
Max’s face had crumpled into a little sad mask. “Theo, if you’re jerking me around, so help me I’ll strangle you. A doughnut.”
Theo nodded. “Apparently it’s sort of hardwired into the OS that, wherever I go, there’s always a shop or a stall selling doughnuts within easy walking distance of where I arrive. Actually, that’s true, at least so far. There was one here.”
“So? Why didn’t you—?”
“Staffed by Disney creatures,” Theo said. “They called the police, or whatever the killer mice are supposed to be. That’s how I got caught.”
“You idiot,” Max said sadly, and for a split second Theo actually felt guilty, until he remembered who he was talking to. “Doughnuts, for crying out loud. I’ve been here over a year and I’ve never seen any doughnuts.”
Theo shrugged. “Get your dwarf buddies to bring you some,” he said.
“I could ask them, I guess,” Max said doubtfully. “Mostly they bring bread and cheese. You have no idea how heartily sick I am of bread and cheese. Tell you what,” he went on, “soon as we get back, you’re going to buy me a five-course dinner at Delmonico’s. I can tell you right now what I’ll have, I’ll start with the—”
“You’ll be lucky,” Theo interrupted him. “I’m broke.”
“Bullshit. You got my share of Dad’s money as well as your own.”
“Ah,” Theo said, and told him about Schliemann Brothers. Max stared at him for a moment, then uttered a long, low groan. “You moron,” he said. “Of all the half-witted—”
“Max—”
“All right.” Max sat up straight and clenched his hands into fists. “Us fighting won’t help anything, let’s just concentrate on getting out of here, and then we’ll figure out what to do.” He frowned, then said, “How about Janine? She hasn’t lost her share, has she?”
“No. In fact, she’s—”
“That’s OK, then,” Max said. “Janine’ll see me right, she always liked me best. So, doughnuts.” He clasped his hands together, index fingers pressed to the sides of his nose; his habitual thinking pose. It always made you think you were in the presence of genius in action, which shows how gullible people can be. “In case the dwarves can’t provide, we need a Plan B. You say there’s a doughnut stall close to where you came in?”
“Yes, but there are these psychotic Disney animals—”
“For Christ’s sake, Theo, don’t be such a worrywart. You always did make such a fuss about doing the simplest little thing. No wonder Dad used to get so mad at you all the time.”
“Dad did not—”
Max raised his hand. “Not to mention,” he said reproachfully, “always having to have the last word. I guess it was unrealistic of me to imagine you’d have changed since I saw you last. Still, you ought to try. You owe it to yourself.”
“Max.” Theo stood up slowly. “You know, I’ve been thinking. I’m not sure about this parallel-universe-alternate-reality thing. I don’t see how it could possibly work.”
Max sighed. “Theo,” he said, “this is not the time for—”
“Because,” Theo went on firmly, “if multiverse theory is right and there really are an infinite number of realities out there someplace, then somewhere there’d