I keep the smile on my face, and I think I manage a super fake-sounding laugh, but I can’t ignore the fear that skitters down my spine. I know. I know she’s just being playful, talking about how my workout is going to be hard and rigorous. But this is my first time out of the house to do anything physical. This’ll be my first time around a large group of people I don’t know in… God, years, nearly a decade. Brandon had done a thorough job of isolating me from my family and friends since I was eighteen, and since my escape, the only large group of people I’ve been around is the Club Alias/Imperium Security crew, which my sister married into and brought me along with her as her permanent plus-one.
“Hey,” Johnna says, squeezing my hand to snap me out of it. She’s looking at me closely, closer than those “most people” I was thinking about earlier who don’t take the time to look past the façade, and I swallow. She sees me. Really sees me. And it’s both comforting and nerve-wracking. “You’re going to do great. Des isn’t an asshole to newcomers, just her regulars who like her to not go easy on them. Just do what you can, okay?” she encourages, and I instantly relax. There’s something about this girl, from the very first moment I spoke to her on the phone, that just… made me feel good.
Or maybe I’m just so starved for friendship that I’m trying desperately to grasp on to the first stranger I’ve talked to for more than two seconds. I let go of her hand, rolling my eyes at myself.
“Just do me a favor and kick this big guy’s ass,” she says, nudging her head toward Neil, who places his hand on my lower back.
“I’ll do my best,” I reply, waving as he leads me away.
We climb a gigantic staircase that has me huffing and puffing by the time we reach the top, and Neil looks down at me, shaking his head when I pull to a stop to catch my breath. “You’re going on my membership, STAT.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he cuts me off.
“You live in my household, so it’ll be less than half the cost than if you were to get your own. I was being understanding and giving you time, and I let you take this first step yourself, finding something you wanted to do outside the house, but now I’m putting my foot down. When you can’t climb one flight of stairs without looking like you’re going into cardiac arrest, it’s time for an intervention.” His tone leaves no room for argument.
He waits for a moment longer, and then I nod to let him know I’m okay and stand up straight, walking beside him toward the rooms marked Group Exercise.
“If you don’t like this class, there are plenty of others. An entire schedule full for you to try. And if none of those work, you can train with me. I do cardio and alternating muscle groups daily on both machines and free weights. But we have got to get you some exercise, goddess. And not just for your physical health. You’re doing nothing to release endorphins just staying at the house all day long. Endorphins trigger a positive feeling, reduces stress, wards off anxiety and depression, boosts your self-esteem, and helps you… sleep better.” He adds the last part low, clearly thinking about last night, and I feel my face flush—and not from the cardio I just got climbing those damn stairs.
The memory of me wrapped around him, my center pushed up against him, feeling how hard and big he was beneath the layers of clothes….
I clear my throat. “Um… yeah. Okay. Sounds good.” I nod, giving in just to fill the silence. And I find I actually agree with him. At least it would give me something to do besides clean an already immaculate house and hold full-on conversations with a dog who I swear actually understands what I’m saying.
When I see we’ve gotten here a little early and the room is still dark inside through the glass doors, I look around and see a bench nearby, so I take a seat, Neil sitting down next to me. For some reason, I find myself wanting… no needing to open up to him. It all comes out like word vomit, and as embarrassing as it is, it’s