when we talked about hers. It was a dumb move, and now that regret is hanging over my head like a big fucking cloud, brewing up a storm. Talking with her drenched up memories I try to keep hidden.
My mother, her murder, it all came back to me. Mixed in with the enjoyment I’d felt from actually talking to someone, which took me to a place where my training meant nothing. Because when it comes to my mom, all I see is red. The anger of having her taken from me. Her blood splattered over her lifeless body, all over my hands, my clothes. The blood I want to spill when I take all life from the man who killed her.
I push down the memories and sit back on the bench. Resting my head in my hands, I try to black out her distinct laugh, her smiling face, and the love in her eyes as she looked down at me over her huge swollen stomach that held my baby sister—a girl I never got to meet.
Mom’s smile was one no one could ignore. It was beautiful, just like her. It would fade the hurt when she’d been gone all day and night, working two jobs and not with me. It would dull the ache of missing her. And when she would curl me up in her arms and hold me tight it made everything seem better than it really was. I remember her hugs becoming longer and tighter. I was only young, but I could feel her fear with every squeeze. With every smile that began to fade or didn’t quite reach her eyes. It felt as though she believed every hug would be the last. And one day it was.
I jumped as someone thumped on the front door. A deep scary voice had me gripping Momma’s shirt tighter.
“See Momma there’s monsters. I told you. I don’t wanna sleep by myself. I’m scared.”
Her frown grew wide and her hands closed over my wrists.
“Baby, I’m going to protect you. You’ll be okay. But I need you to do something for me. I need you to hide under the bed. Can you do that for me?”
Her voice sent a chill ran down my spine and I frowned because something was wrong. She sounded scared.
I nodded and jumped down off the bed to slide under it to the very back where I’d hidden before when we played hide and seek. No one could see me there, it was the best spot in the house. But this wasn’t how we usually played.
Mom’s hands touched the floor and her worried face hurt my heart and my belly. She bent under the bed. “No matter what Roamyn, you stay as quiet as you can and stay under here until the men are gone. Don’t come out, baby. You can’t make a noise. And remember…” she paused and stretched her hand out for mine. I placed my hand in hers and she squeezed tightly. A tear fell down her cheek. “…Momma loves you, Roamyn. It’s you and me, baby. We’ll always be okay. Remember that.”
I nodded my head and stayed quiet just like she’d told me to. My heart thumped so loudly I could hear it. Momma was crying and I didn’t like it when she cried. She let go of my hand and my chest got heavy. I started to cry, I couldn’t hold it in. I slapped my hand over my mouth to stay quiet as I heard heavy footsteps. Something was wrong. Really wrong. Everything happened so fast it was all a blur. Screaming. Shouting. It was hurting my ears. I covered my hands over them and my eyes went round at what I saw.
Momma fell to the floor with a loud thump. Something cracked and my chest hurt. It was hurting so bad. I didn’t know what was happening. My mouth opened. I wanted to scream, even though I knew she told me not to. My fingers itched to reach for her, help her, but fear held me back. My bones shook against each other. The rubbing a pain I couldn’t control. I couldn’t stop the shake and it only got worse when I saw Momma try to crawl away in between sobs. Big black boots stomped on her back. Again and again. They kicked her into the floor. Thump after thump. She screamed again and I jumped in fright.