and hammer and nails, he found Jane sitting at the breakfast counter, smoking a cigarette.
"Jane, I thought you quit."
"Yeah, I did. A month ago. Found this one in my purse."
"Why are you smoking in my house?"
"I went into Sophie's room to get her bunny for her."
"Yeah? Where's Sophie? There might still be some glass on the floor in there, you didn't - "
"Yeah, she's in there. And you're not funny, Asher. Your thing with the pets has gone completely overboard. I'm going to have to do three yoga classes, get a massage, and smoke a joint the size of a thermos bottle to take the adrenaline edge off. They scared me so bad I peed myself a little."
"What in the hell are you talking about, Jane?"
"Funny," she said, smirking. "That's really funny. I'm talking about the goggies, Daddy."
Charlie shrugged at his sister as if to say, Could you be any more incoherent or incomprehensible? - a gesture he had perfected over thirty-two years, then ran to Sophie's room and threw the door open.
There, on either side of his darling daughter, were the two biggest, blackest dogs he had ever seen. Sophie was sitting, leaning against one, while hitting the other in the head with her stuffed bunny. Charlie took a step toward rescuing Sophie when one of the dogs leapt across the room and knocked Charlie to the floor, pinning him there. The other put itself between Charlie and the baby.
"Sophie, Daddy's coming to get you, don't be afraid." Charlie tried to squirm out from under the dog, but it just lowered its head and growled at him. It didn't budge. Charlie figured that it could take the better part of one of his legs and some of his torso off in one bite. The thing's head was bigger than the Bengal tigers' at the San Francisco zoo.
"Jane, help me. Get this thing off of me."
The big dog looked up, keeping its paws on Charlie's shoulders.
Jane swiveled on her bar stool and took a deep drag on her cigarette. "No, I don't think so, little brother. You're on your own after springing this on me."
"I didn't. I've never seen these things before. No one's ever seen these things before."
"You know, we dykes have very high dog tolerance, but that doesn't give you the right to do this. Well, I'll leave you to it," Jane said, gathering up her purse and keys from the breakfast bar. "You enjoy your little canine pals. I'm going to go call in freaked out to work."
"Jane, wait."
But she was gone. He heard the front door slam.
The big dog didn't seem to be interested in eating Charlie, just holding him there. Every time he tried to slither out from under it, the thing growled and pushed harder.
"Down. Heel. Off." Charlie tried commands he'd heard dog trainers shout on TV. "Fetch. Roll over. Get the fuck off me, you beast." (He ad-libbed that last one.)
The animal barked in Charlie's left ear, so loud that he lost hearing and there was just a ringing on that side. In his other ear he heard a little-girl giggle from across the room. "Sophie, honey, it's okay."
"Goggie, Daddy," Sophie said. "Goggie." She stumbled over and looked down at Charlie. The big dog licked her face, nearly knocking her over. (At eighteen months, Sophie moved like a small drunk most of the time.) "Goggie," Sophie said again. She grabbed the giant hound by its ear and dragged it off Charlie. Or more accurately, it let her lead it by the ear off of him. Charlie leapt to his feet and started to reach for Sophie, but the other hound jumped in front of him and growled. The thing's head came up to Charlie's chest, even with its feet flat on the ground.
He figured the hounds must weigh four or five hundred pounds apiece. They were easily twice the size of the biggest dog he'd seen before, a Newfoundland that he'd seen swimming in the Aquatic Park down by the Maritime museum. They had the short fur of a Doberman, the broad shoulders and chest of a rottweiler, but the wide square head and upturned ears of a Great Dane. They were so black that they appeared to actually absorb light, and Charlie had only ever seen one type of creature that did that: the ravens from the Underworld. It was clear that wherever these hounds had come from, it wasn't from around here. But it was also clear that they