A Dirty Job - By Christopher Moore Page 0,16

I took this call today - an estate in Pacific Heights. Lots of nice women's clothes." Ray tapped a piece of notepaper on the counter. "I'm not really qualified to handle it."

"I'll do it, but first we have a lot to catch up on. Flip the 'Closed' sign and lock the front door, would you, Ray?"

Ray didn't move. "Sure, but - Charlie, are you sure that you're ready to go back to work?" He nodded to the sneakers and frog on the counter.

"Oh, those, I think there's something wrong with them. You don't see anything unusual about those two items?"

Ray looked again. "Nope."

"Or that once I took the frog away from her, she went right for a pair of sneakers that are clearly not her size?"

Ray weighed the truth against the sweet deal he had here, with an apartment and under-the-table income and a boss that had really been a decent guy before he went 51/50, and he said, "Yeah, there was something strange about her."

"Aha!" said Charlie. "I just wish I knew where I could get a Geiger counter."

"I have a Geiger counter," Ray said.

"You do?"

"Sure, you want me to get it?"

"Maybe later," Charlie said. "Just lock up, and help me gather up some of the merchandise."

Over the next hour Ray watched as Charlie moved a set of what seemed randomly chosen items from the store to the back room, directing him to under no circumstances put them back out or sell them to anyone. Then he retrieved the Geiger counter that he'd obtained on a sweet trade for a stringless oversized tennis racket and tested each item as Charlie instructed. And, of course, they were as inert as dirt.

"And you don't see any glowing or pulsating or anything in this pile?" Charlie asked.

"Sorry." Ray shook his head, feeling a little embarrassed that he was witnessing this. "Good first day back to work, though," Ray said, trying to make it all better. "Maybe you should call it a day, go check on the baby, and make that estate call in the morning. I'll box this stuff up and mark it so Lily won't sell or trade it."

"Okay," Charlie said. "But don't throw it out, either. I'm going to figure this out."

"You betcha, boss. See you in the morning."

"Yeah, thanks, Ray. You can go home when you finish."

Charlie went back to his apartment, checking his hands the whole way to see if any of the red glow from the pile of objects had rubbed off on them, but they seemed normal. He sent Jane home, fed and bathed Sophie, and read her to sleep with a few pages from Slaughterhouse-Five, then went to bed early and slept fitfully. He awoke the next morning in a haze, then sat bolt upright in bed, eyes wide and heart pounding when he saw the note sitting on the nightstand. Another one. Then he noticed that this time it wasn't his handwriting, and the number was obviously a phone number, and he sighed. It was the estate appointment that Ray had made for him. He'd put it on the nightstand so he wouldn't forget. Mr. Michael Mainheart, it read; then upscale women's clothing and furs, with a double underline. The phone number had a local exchange. He picked up the note, and under it was a second piece of notepaper, this one with the same name, written in his own handwriting, and under it, the numeral 5. He didn't remember writing any of it. At that moment, something large and dark passed by the second-story bedroom window, but by the time he looked up, it was gone.

A blanket of fog lay over the Bay and from Pacific Heights the great orange towers of the Golden Gate Bridge jutted through the fog bank like carrots from the faces of sleeping conjoined twin snowmen. In the Heights, the morning sun had already opened the sky and workmen were scurrying about, tending yards and gardens around the mansions.

When he arrived at the home of Michael Mainheart the first thing Charlie noticed was that no one noticed him. There were two guys working in the yard, to whom Charlie waved as he passed, but they did not wave back. Then the mailman, who was coming off the big porch, drove him off the walkway into the dewy grass without so much as an "excuse me."

"Excuse me!" Charlie said, sarcastically, but the mailman was wearing headphones and listening to something that was inspiring him to bob his head like

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