Dirty Deals by Nicole James Page 0,21
safe, even when my head tells me I am. It’s irrational. I know that. I’ve tried before, and I freak out. Total meltdown, anxiety attack.”
“When did this start?”
“When I was a teenager. We moved around a lot. My mom had a lot of boyfriends. She was never married to my father. She gave me a name once, but I’ve never met him. I’m not even sure she knew for certain it was him. I guess I’ve just never felt safe.”
“These boyfriends of your mom’s… They ever try anything with you?”
“Maybe. I think I’ve blocked some stuff out. I remember my mother packing us up and leaving in the middle of the night a couple times. I remember her telling me to hide in the closet a few times. But most of my memories don’t start until I was in seventh grade. That’s when I spent the summer with my grandparents. My mom left me there and didn’t come back until Halloween.
“Then we moved into one apartment after another. But there were never any boyfriends after that. If she saw anyone, she never brought them home.”
“You ever talk to anyone about all this?”
His hand strokes my head, fingertips massaging my scalp.
“I saw a therapist once a few years ago. One session. I never went back. I remember her saying someday when I truly feel safe, I’ll stop keeping that packed bag in my closet. One day my mind would just know, and I wouldn’t need it anymore.”
“So, it’s like an emotional crutch, a safety net?”
I shrug. “I guess so.”
He kisses the top of my head, his hand squeezing my knee. “I want to make you feel safe like that, Vegas. You let me, I’ll give it my best shot.”
I smile. “I’m not sure that’s how it works. I can’t promise you anything, Rusty.”
He nods. “I get that.”
“Do you? I can’t even promise from one day to the next I won’t wake up and the urge to run will overwhelm me and I’ll disappear.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? You sure?”
“I’ll take whatever you give me.”
I look at him in wonder. “Why?”
“Because with you I think I’ve found something. Never felt like this, Vegas. Not in all these years. It scares the crap outta me, not gonna lie. But I want to see where it goes. You in?”
“I’m not ready for a big relationship. I need to take this one day at a time.”
“Fair enough. Got something else I want to talk to you about. I get you like it out here, the peacefulness and all that, but I’m wondering if it’ll wear thin after a while.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re isolated out here. Not that I don’t mind ridin’ to see you. But I’ve got an idea for how we could make this a little easier, get to see each other more.”
“How’s that?”
“Look, maybe you don’t need money, I get that, but if you get bored out here all alone, I’ve got a motorcycle shop that could use someone to do the paperwork. My girl just quit. Left me in a spot. So, if you’re interested, it’d help me out.”
“I guess I do owe you a favor, huh?” I smile.
“You don’t owe me shit, babe. Not why I brought it up. Just got that spot open, and no one I’d rather walk in and see sittin’ in the office than you right now. If it’s too much, I get that. Not tryin’ to smother you. I’m just fuckin’ enthralled with you, that’s the God’s truth. I see something I want, I go after it, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
I give a tinkle of laughter. “I got that about you.”
“So?”
I suck my lips in my mouth and think about the offer, the pros and cons. I would get to see more of Rusty, and that’s certainly not a bad thing, but I’m not sure about how controlling he could get. But one thing he’s right about. I’m a people person, always have been, and staying out here alone day after day will drive me bat-shit-crazy. “Okay. I’d love to give it a try on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“We pump the brakes on the sex thing and get to know each other.”
“Are you puttin’ me in the friend zone?”
“Just temporarily.”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
“Yeah, I get that a lot.”
He chuckles. “I’ll take your deal but reserve the right to change the deal at a later time.”
“Fine. But I’m warning you, not sure how much help I’m gonna be to your business. I’ve never worked in an office before.”
“Vegas, just having