went wrong, I wanted to find you, make you suffer, then kiss you just to hurt you.”
I look down at my hands in his lap, the pain in his voice as clear as day.
He places two fingers at my chin lifts my head up gently, but the storm in his eyes suggest otherwise. “You have to understand, baby. In my head, if I hadn’t talked to you, if I had warned you who I was and how the media is obsessed with my family, If only I hadn’t kissed you that day, you wouldn’t have ran off and open your mouth to those assholes.”
Remorse and remembered pain slices me into millions of cuts. I open my mouth to say something but Julian places a finger over my lips, silencing me.
“That wasn’t your intention, I know that now. But back then, fuck, you made me so mad. Each time I thought about you, I’d get mad. I blamed you for everything and how shit went down with my parents and to add insult to injury after you ran off at the hospital, I found out that Aiden had acute leukemia. The doctors had said he had a few years left.”
“Oh God.”
“Yeah, it was messed up. Mom wanted a divorce. She was angry, hurt and devasted with the news about Aiden but mostly, she wanted out. So that day, she was packing to move out, throwing plates and shit at my Dad’s head. They were shouting and arguing so hard. And I was so fucking pissed off, blamed everything on you but I knew I couldn’t come deal with you. Not yet anyway. So, I came down here to work out and block out the world. Meanwhile, Liam was with Aiden. With how big this damn mansion is, they still heard the shouting too and so Liam took Aiden by the hand and went around the house, looking for me.”
I hold my breath, listening.
“They wanted to get out of the house. We used to do that; just get in the car with Aiden and drive away for a few hours on the highway then come back. Or we could just sit at the beach for a while, watching the waves crush but on that day, it was raining cats and dogs—which already is unusual for Cali.”
“Wait, I think I remember that day. The next day it was back to normal, like nothing ever happened right?”
“Yeah, but something did happen.” He closely his eyes tight, like he doesn’t want to face whatever he’s seeing in his head. “I was a selfish asshole. I came down here thinking I deserve a moment to breath but in a state of poor decision making, Liam who was only fourteen at the time, took Aiden to the indoor pool.”
This can’t be good. This cannot be good.
“I used to spent a lot of time down there with Aiden and Liam. We would swim, laugh and just be brothers, pretending to navigate the seas in the pool like we were pirates. They both loved that.
“In hindsight, it wasn’t Liam’s fault for taking Aiden to the pool. He knew that it was the only place in in the entire house that could calm him down. He loved it there, he felt free to actually talk and express himself. But that day, even with punishing myself by reviewing the security camera footage to this day, anyone could see that Aiden wasn’t calm. He was anxious and so was Liam.”
God. I have noticed how sensitive Liam really is. Behind that devil-may-care exterior is a guy who’s feels everything on an acute level.
“So, like I would do when I wanted to calm both of them down when we were younger, Liam took Aiden and they jumped into the pool. Our parents are fighting from one room to another, screaming at each other from the top of their voices. I turn up the volume of my music and run faster on the treadmill. At the pool, Liam misjudged just how much Aiden was freaking out and wasn’t into swimming at the time and so, Aiden started fighting the water, thrashing around, pulling Liam down with him.”
Julian stops, for a minute and looks away. So, I lean my head over his racing heart and just stay there, wrapping both arms around him then I start rubbing his back as softly as I can. He wraps his arms around me and as he begins talking again, his hold on me tightens to a point of pain.