her with all of my heart. She was the most amazing woman ever, but after my dad took off on her, she was never really the same, or so I’d heard.
She could’ve moved back to Missouri and lived around family, but she was embarrassed and ashamed of what had happened with my dad. So we stayed in California and she tried her best to raise me right. I did not help her with that at all.
I started out drinking when I was about twelve. Drinking was an awesome way to get my mind off of what was going on in my life. I got my first piercing when I was thirteen. I was drunk. Some guy at the party I was at took a needle and pierced my eyebrow. It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but in a room full of badass kids I sure wasn’t going to show any pain.
Soon drinking just wasn’t enough, I needed more. My friend Ratz, - his real name was Toby Ratzen - started dealing drugs when we were fourteen. He introduced me to a whole crazy world of hell. I just wanted to get out of my head, but what Ratz got me into almost got me out of this world.
I woke up and I couldn’t figure out why I was so hot. I was smothering and I couldn’t quit shaking. I felt like I was literally going to shake out of my skin. And it was so fucking bright in that room. I felt like if I tried hard enough I could reach out and touch the sun.
“Baby, oh God, baby. Please wake up. Please be okay. I can’t live without you Jax, wake up!” Stacy was screaming at me. Stacy and I had been together for two years. We planned to get married and get the hell out of this horrible town as soon as she finished high school. I quit last year, I didn’t need school, I just needed her and my next fix.
Soon pot wasn’t enough, and I had to start dealing with Ratz so I could feed my own addiction. Stacy was so fucking pure. Like the snow. No matter what I tried to give her, she wouldn’t use drugs. She really loved me and wanted a future with me. Why couldn’t she understand how fucked in the head I was? I never understood why she wanted to be with me. But she did, so I decided I was going to straighten up. I didn’t give a shit about me. I had to do it for her.
That’s what had started the downward spiral that got me in front of Judge Powell today.
I tried to open my eyes. Stacy was still screaming, and I could feel something seeping down my face into my eye. My pants were wet. Oh shit, I’d pissed myself. I couldn’t do this to her. I had to get away. She deserved so much better than me and my fucked up life.
“Jax, please tell me you're okay baby, please. I’m so sorry I was late, I had to take Megan home after school. Mom couldn’t pick her up. I should have been here with you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you.” Stacy cried. I finally got my eyes open and the look on her face absolutely broke my fucking heart. The time was now, I knew what I had to do.
“Get the fuck off me bitch! Get the hell out of here. I don’t want you. I don’t want to ever see your fucking face again. GET OUT!” I didn’t want to do this, and it was breaking my heart, but I couldn’t put that look on her face ever again. She would be so much better off with some nice guy that could give her what she needed. Stacy sobbed and ran out. Mission accomplished.
After I kicked Stacy out, I went cold turkey. I quit the drinking, I quit the drugs, and I told Ratz that I couldn’t work for him anymore. I’d almost OD’d. I’d fallen and hit my head and was bleeding all over everything, I’d pissed my pants. I’d lost so much weight that I was barely even myself anymore. I was going to become a better man and maybe then I would deserve Stacy. I could beg her to take me back. After everything I said to her, it probably wouldn’t happen, but I had to try.
The day before I appeared in court, had started off like any