so if my mom really isn’t my mom, how did he become my dad? And if he is my biological father, why wouldn’t he have raised me? I feel like everything just leads to more questions and more doubt and is warning me to stop digging.”
“It’s entirely up to you, Liv. You deserve answers if you want them, but if you don’t, that’s no one else’s business.”
She sighs quietly. “I want to go back to not remembering her and not questioning if everything in my life is a lie. I hate this. I hate that I can’t stop obsessing over everything and wondering what is real and not.”
That desire to fix and solve things again overtakes me, and then I glance at her dresser where a photo of her and Matt sits, reminding me how far out of my lane I am.
“Thanks for being there for me today,” she says, her voice shaky. “I’m sorry for all the emotional fireworks. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I just wanted to see if she was real or if I was crazy for having these memories.”
Unable to remain still any longer, I pull Liv toward me and hold her.
All my words and thoughts sound like declarations and promises, so instead of saying a damn thing, I hold her a little closer and drift off to sleep.
31
Olivia
“Are you sure you want to play tourist today?” I ask, turning my attention to the dark clouds that make it feel dreary and colder than it really is.
Arlo grins. “You said yourself it always rains. We might as well seize the day, right? Besides, you leave for Texas in two days.” He climbs out of his SUV. I’ve waited for months for spring break, and now that it’s almost here, I’m nervous about going, though I’m looking forward to the added space it will provide from my dad and his frequent calls and messages that I haven’t been ready to accept or hear.
“I don’t know if that applies to a day at the zoo,” I say, following him through the parking lot. He’s been staying with us for four days. Each night, he’s spent the night with me, the excuses benign—platonic even. Rose went to bed with a headache one night, so we watched TV in my room and fell asleep. The next night, we started talking when he came in to brush his teeth, and we continued talking about how he got involved with football, how his brother, Theo, was actually better but never committed the game or practice, how his dad’s company is getting bigger. I shared with him how I struggle to accept Whitney as a parental figure, though she’s never been anything less than kind to me, and how my two half-brothers often feel like strangers who happen to be very loud and share half of my genetics—maybe half?
Arlo collects a map as we get checked in and then leads us forward. We fall into a quick rhythm that consists of him reading the plaques aloud while I search for the animals. We pass through the reptiles and insects, and half of the animals through Asia, forgetting about the rainclouds hovering above us that have the zoo fairly empty for a Saturday morning.
“Liv, watch,” Arlo says, gripping my shoulder and turning me to face the orangutans as one covers another in a burlap sack and then shoves him, only to be chased down by the instigator. “Ten bucks, that ape’s name is Theo,” he jokes.
The orangutans climb effortlessly, their bodies swaying as they climb higher and higher on the structure, while another grabs the burlap sack and covers himself with it like a costume.
“Watch this, he’s totally going to scare that other ape,” Arlo points at the unsuspecting ape lying down. We watch as the orangutan in the burlap sack sneaks up and scares the other one, making it jump and then chase after in response.
Arlo cracks up, his laugh a deep and warm sound that is impossible not to join.
We watch them play until a zookeeper comes to give them treats, and then we watch that as well.
“Oh my,” I remark, reading one of the information plaques posted. “There are only fourteen-thousand of them left on Earth and only 800 of the Tapanuli. How is that possible?” I glance back over at the Sumatran orangutan, my chest feeling tight at the news.
“Deforestation,” Arlo reads. “They’re burning down the forests and illegally logging to plant palm oil plantations, mining, and infrastructure.”