Defenseman No. 9 - Xavier Neal Page 0,62

know,” the stutter appearing slinks me into the seat across from him. “I-I-I j-j-just…” My mouth clamps shut as the frustration seems to spiral.

“Have a minute,” Gillette says in a surprisingly kind voice. “I got time.”

It takes longer than expected to detangle the emotional knots that have my vocal cords twisted. On the assumption starting there will lead to the untwisting of the others, I confess, “Crash isn’t coming tonight.”

His brow furrows in concern. “Sick or some shit?”

“If he were sick, you really think I’d fucking be here?”

“Yeah no, you got me there. You’d be by his side no matter what the fucking cost was.”

“Exactly.”

Gillette slowly nods as he tries to decipher what it is I’m saying without saying.

“I’m…always there for him, you know. Always. I always have been. I always support him and whatever wild hair up his ass he has. I am there for him. I don’t always feel like he’s here for me. I constantly feel what I ask is too much. I let him walk all over me because I’m afraid if I push back at the wrong time, I’m gonna accidentally push him away, and that it’ll all be over. That the one person I have been in love with since before I knew what the fuck love was will be out of my life. I would love to believe everything wouldn’t fall apart that quickly, Gillette, but he refused to sleep at my apartment two nights last week as punishment when I had to delay us hanging out a couple hours to have lunch with my parents and my cousin, Tasha. She’s gonna be a freshman at Vlasta this year and just wanted to ask me some questions so she would be less freaked out her first couple of weeks. Apparently, he wanted to show me a new piece to his dance portfolio, but to do it a couple hours later than he wanted made me some sort of selfish fucking monster, but him blowing me off anytime someone says the word party or makeup or dance is completely acceptable.”

“Say something to him.”

“I know you hate to listen, but you’ve gotta do better than this. Especially if you don’t wanna end up divorced in the first month.”

He lightly chuckles prior to showcasing an undeniably serious expression. “There’s nothing wrong with playing the supportive role in someone you love’s film. Letting them lead and be the life of the scene. But, there’s also nothing wrong with letting them, occasionally, play the supportive role, too. Letting them be there for you the way you have rehearsed being there for them. People in relationships each need a moment in the spotlight sometimes, and behaving as though only one of you does will ruin both of your careers. You don’t like how something is scripted or directed or the camera angle that’s being taken, you have to say something. People don’t just know that shit. Maybe you’ll fight about it. Maybe you won’t. Either way, once it’s out there, once you’re back on the same page, at least you have a chance to keep making a good movie together.”

There’s no stopping my shoulders and jaw from dropping. “That was some really fucking insightful shit.”

“Not just good for crushing more beer cans than Mo.” He taps the side of his forehead.

An eye roll appears at which he laughs, grabs his darts, and gives me a gentle punch prior to resuming our game.

I know I need to improve on expressing my feelings to Crash.

I know it’s the only way this shit can last.

And, I want it to last.

Forever.

I just hate having to wonder if I’m the only one who wants that.

Chapter 12

I shove a handful of candy into my mouth while my boyfriend looks on in disgust.

Most people can’t tell the difference between his resting bitch face – dudes can have that shit, too – and his actual judgmental one, which is clearly what this one is.

Don’t get me wrong.

I totally embrace and appreciate our healthier living style, especially considering the great shit it’s doing for my waistline, but occasionally, nothing is sweeter than pure, concentrated naughtiness rolling around your mouth.

And, that will totally be happening later as a thank you for coming to this jaw-dropping performance of Carmen with me and my parents instead of whatever cooking class he wanted to take, but for now, candy will have to do.

Hugo shoves his hands into his black tux slacks. “Do you have to put so much into your mouth at