"How very hard." She let her breath out slowly. "Somehow I always took it for granted there would be a barrier between me and whoever did such a thing - I mean usually. There would be a whole class of people whose hurt I could exclude ..."
"Only with a sort of dishonesty." Hester rose to her feet and walked over to the high window above the garden. It was a sash window open at top and bottom, and the perfume of wallflowers in the sun drifted up. "I forgot to tell you last time, with all the news of the tragedy, but I have been enquiring into what sort of occupation you might find, and I think the most interesting and agreeable thing you could do would be as a librarian." She watched a gardener walk across the grass with a tray of seedlings. "Or researcher for someone who wishes to write a treatise, or a monograph or some such thing. It would pay you a small amount insufficient to support you, but it would take you away from Carlyon House during the days."
"Not nursing?" There was a note of disappointment in Edith's voice, in spite of her effort to conceal it, and a painful self-consciousness. Hester realized with a sudden stab of embarrassment that Edith admired her and that what she really sought was to do the same thing Hester did, but had been reluctant to say so.
With her face suddenly hot she struggled for a reply that would be honest and not clumsy. It would not be kind to equivocate.
"No. It is very hard to find a private position, even if you have the training for it. It is far better to use the skills you have." She did not face her; it was better Edith did not see her sudden understanding. "There are some really very interesting people who need librarians or researchers, or someone to write up their work for them. You could find someone who writes on a subject in which you might become most interested yourself."
"Such as what?" There was no lightness in Edith's voice.
"Anything?" Hester turned to face her and forced a cheerfulness into her expression. "Archaeology . . . history . . . exploration." She stopped as she saw a sudden spark of real excitement in Edith's eyes. She smiled with overwhelming relief and a surge of unreasonable happiness. "Why not? Women have begun to think of going to most marvelous places - Egypt, the Magreb, Africa even."
"Africa! Yes ..." Edith said almost under her breath, her confidence returned, the wound vanished in hope. "Yes. After all this is over I will. Thank you, Hester - thank you so much!"
She got no further because the sitting room door opened and Damaris came in. Today she looked utterly different. Gone was the contradictory but distinctly feminine air of the previous occasion. This time she was in riding habit and looked vigorous and boyish, like a handsome youth, faintly Mediterranean, and Hester knew the instant their eyes met that the effect was wholly intentional, and that Damaris enjoyed it.
Hester smiled. She had dared in reality far further than Damaris into such forbidden masculine fields, seen real violence, warfare and chivalry, the honest friendship where there was no barrier between men and women, where speech was not forever dictated by social ritual rather than true thoughts and feelings, where people worked side by side for a desperate common cause and only courage and skill mattered. Very little of such social rebellion could shake her, let alone offend.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Erskine," she said cheerfully. "I am delighted to see you looking so well, in such trying circumstances."
Damaris's face broke into a wide grin. She closed the door behind her and leaned against the handle.
"Edith said you were going to see a lawyer friend of yours who is totally brilliant - is that true?"
This time Hester was caught off guard. She had not thought Damaris was aware of Edith's request.
"Ah - yes." There was no point in prevarication. "Do you think Mr. Erskine will mind?"
"Oh no, not at all. But I cannot answer for Mama. You had better come in to luncheon and tell us about it."
Hester looked desperately at Edith, hoping she would rescue her from having to go. She had expected simply to tell Edith about Rathbone and then leave her to inform Peverell Erskine; the rest of the family would find out from him. Now it seemed she was going to have