“It would’ve been nice to meet her.” I take another sip. The flavor has become somewhat sad and full of yearning. “I would’ve had so many questions.”
“Perhaps you could ask me?” Eldas runs one of his very dexterous fingers across the rim of his mug. I shift, my seat suddenly much less comfortable as the motion elicits memories of our night together.
“At this point, they would mostly be questions about my magic.”
“I see.” He pauses. “At this point?”
I take another long sip so I don’t have to answer right away. I have to choose my next words carefully. “At first, I may have asked how any queen put up with this situation. How no one else was as adamant about finding a…solution.”
“A way out, you mean.” The words are easy enough, but there’s a cool edge to his tone. One that I now easily interpret as hurt. He sees me as yet another person running away from him, condemning him to seclusion. His eyes fall to the journal on the table, almost accusing it for trying to take me away.
“A way to strengthen Midscape,” I insist. That’s what my mission is about now. Ensuring the safety of Midscape. Doing so is the best way to help everyone here and, moreover, it’ll be the only way to know if what I’m feeling for Eldas is real. Or if all of these deep and complex emotions are just born of proximity and the appearance of necessity.
Love is choice, I told Luke, what seems like forever ago, and I have never found it to be truer. I cannot be certain of what I feel for Eldas if I don’t choose him freely.
“But you don’t have those questions any longer?” He glances over at me through long, dark lashes.
“No, I don’t.” I wave an arm toward the grounds. “This alone is paradise. And the conservatory back at the castle is a welcome balm that would suffice between trips out here.”
“I see.” Do I hear disappointment in his tone?
“Moreover…” The second I speak, Eldas looks at me with intent. I shouldn’t have said anything. Hope has brightened his face more than the sun—more than the magic flush that coated my skin last night as we made love. “I can understand how some queens found companionship in their kings.”
I make the attempt at giving him a coquettish smile and emphasize the word “companionship.” Not love. I can’t say it just yet. What would happen if I’m successful and then return home to find I can’t leave again once I’m surrounded by my shop and patients? What if the Fade strips away these feelings from me the moment I emerge back in the Natural World? What if I do truly care for him but I can’t leave my shop again?
He would be crushed. And that is a fall I will not even risk setting him up for. Let him think this is casual enjoyment. I’m past the point of being able to guard my heart. I’m helpless for the fallout. But him? Maybe I can still spare him.
Of course, all this assumes that he feels anything for me in return. Just because he wasn’t with Rinni doesn’t mean he’s never been with a woman. His skill in bed makes it difficult for me to imagine that last night was his first time. Though…having never been with a man before, I don’t exactly have a large list of comparisons for skill.
I banish the thoughts from my mind. I refuse to imagine him being with another woman and I can’t imagine that these feelings that threatened to burn me alive last night are one-sided. For now, we’ll dangerously ignore all of those unknowns like we ignore our time together here dwindling. That’s safer for both our hearts.
Eldas chuckles, ignorant to my countless worries about what the future holds for us. “And tell me, my queen, was I a sufficient companion”—the way he says the word is a bit chilly, but with a joking edge—“to you last night? Because if you found me lacking in any way, that will be something I must immediately remedy.” He licks his wicked smile and it stirs me at my core.
“Well, you know me. I am fastidious in my collection of information on a topic. More data is necessary.”
He lets out a low growl before grabbing my face and crushing his lips against mine. I happily comply as he tugs me onto his lap. My stiff body tries to