“Yeah, I’m good. Thought you were heading off on assignment?”
Donovan nodded. “Tomorrow a.m. Had to see Nathan and Joe off.”
“You sure you don’t need any help?”
Not that Ethan wanted to leave Rachel even for a minute, but he wasn’t comfortable with the idea of Sam and Garrett staying behind, especially when he was sure they were sticking around because of him.
“Nah, I’m good. Piece of cake. The asshole will never know what hit him. Besides, Rachel needs you. Your only concern is to make sure she’s taken care of.”
Ethan stole another glance over at Rachel, who stood quietly next to Marlene as she hugged Nathan and Joe. Suddenly he found himself dragged upward as Donovan gripped Ethan’s arm.
“What the hell?”
Donovan didn’t say much. He just hauled Ethan toward the back door, which was pretty laughable given that Ethan had at least thirty pounds and two inches on his older brother.
Still, he didn’t fight. Whatever bug was up Van’s ass, Ethan figured it needed to be routed before he left the next morning.
“Okay, spill it,” Donovan said grimly when they were outside.
“Spill what?”
Donovan sighed and punched a finger into Ethan’s chest. “Whatever the hell is bugging you. Dude, you look like shit. You probably haven’t slept in days. You keep staring at Rachel with this sick puppy dog look.”
“Christ,” Ethan muttered. He damn sure hadn’t realized he’d been so fucking obvious.
“What the hell’s going on?” Donovan asked quietly.
Ethan rubbed a tired hand over his face. He didn’t want to get into this with his brother. He didn’t want to get into it with anyone. He opened his mouth to say, Nothing, but caught Donovan’s fierce scowl directed at him. Van didn’t get worked up about too many things. The man was a study in being laid back. Right now he looked as determined as a pit bull clamped down on a prime piece of ass. Ethan almost rubbed his own behind at the image.
He looked around to make sure he and Donovan were the only ones outside. Just because he was spilling his guts to his brother didn’t mean he wanted it broadcast for the world to hear. One was bad enough.
“You remember things were tough when I came home. After Rachel’s miscarriage.”
“Yeah, you’d resigned your commission. It was a huge adjustment for you. For both of you.”
He smiled at Van’s show of loyalty. He didn’t really deserve it, but it felt damn good.
“I was an ass,” Ethan admitted. “I did everything I could to drive Rachel away. Hell, I don’t know why she stayed with me as long as she did.”
Donovan frowned, his brows coming together in confusion. And then his eyes widened as if he was finally understanding that there was a lot that the rest of the family didn’t know.
“Does Rachel remember any of that?”
Ethan winced at the direct hit. Then he shook his head.
Donovan blew out his breath and shoved his hands in his pockets. “How bad are we talking here, Ethan?”
“I told her I wanted a divorce right before she left on her mercy mission.”
“What? You told her what?” Donovan stared at him in utter shock.
“I knew the moment she left that it wasn’t what I wanted,” Ethan said wearily. As if that was a defense for the things he’d said. “I had these grand plans of sweeping her off her feet the moment she got home. Telling her I was sorry and begging for another chance. God, I never got the chance.”
“Holy shit, man. I never knew. I mean what the hell are you going to do now? I mean . . .” He stared at Ethan for a long moment as if he grappled with what he was about to ask. “Do you feel stuck? I mean do you want out?”
For a moment all Ethan could do was stare. It was a fair question in light of what he’d just told Donovan, but the mere thought of getting out of the relationship sent a cold chill down his spine.
“No. No! God no. I’m worried, Van. I’m worried about the day she remembers what a bastard I was to her. I . . . I love her.”
“Have you told anyone else this?”
Ethan shook his head. “I was too ashamed. I fucked up. Really fucked up.”
His brother’s hand came down on his shoulder. Donovan squeezed, and sympathy shone bright in his eyes.
“You made mistakes, Ethan. We all have. What matters now is how you go forward. Have you talked to