He’d slept in the baby’s room on the floor next to the crib as if expecting me to disappear with him in the night. That had hurt more than expected, the fact that he didn’t trust me, but what did I expect after what I’d done to him.
He hadn’t said two words to me; his only outward reaction apart from the time he spent talking to our son was his look of disgust when he walked into my apartment for the first time. It’s not that my place was a dump or in a bad neighborhood. But for someone who’d been born with a gold spoon in his mouth, I can see why he was annoyed by the fact that his son’s first year had been spent in a place that he found less than ideal.
In the morning, he’d awakened with the baby and watched as I fed him, which had been a bit embarrassing since my son refuses to take anything but my breasts, in the end, that became the thing that saved me from being separated from him since his father was hell-bent on taking him with him.
I’d just taken Calen Jr. off the tit when his dad’s voice broke the silence that seemed even heavier with him here in the small space that had offered me so much comfort even the day before, but now felt like a coffin. “Pack some stuff for my son; he’s coming home with me. Not too much, just what he’ll need for a day or so before I can get him what he needs.” My heart almost fell out of my chest at his words spoken so coldly he could’ve been talking to the child’s nanny for all the inflection in his tone.
“You can’t take him away from me; I’m his mother, I’m the only one who’s taken care of him his whole life.” I held my baby close as if expecting him to be dragged out of my arms any second. Surely he wouldn’t be this cruel; he must remember some of the warmth we’d shared. My mind was grasping at straws looking for a way out, but his next words stung and told me all I needed to know about what he was really thinking, how he really felt.
“And whose fault is that? Didn’t you do the same thing to me, you absolute fucking…?” He stopped and looked down at the baby who was looking up at him warily, almost as if he sensed the anger in his daddy. Calen stepped back and ran his hand over the back of his head the way he always does when frustrated before turning back to me.
“You’re lucky I haven’t already broken your fucking neck, you’d do well to not say another fucking word in my presence. From now on, what I do with my son has nothing to do with you. Don’t even think about getting in my way. And before you look at me like that, remember that this is your doing.” His voice had lost some of the heat for our son’s sake, but each word pierced me like a well-aimed dagger
I’ve seen Calen mad before but never at me, and never this vicious. But it was the look on his face more so than his words that had cut me to the core. The light that had always been there when he looked at me was no more. All I saw there were disgust and hate. It was as if all those many warm nights spent wrapped around each other had never been. The man looking back at me was nothing more than a stranger.
I can’t say that I was surprised when he made the decision to take his son against my wishes. That’s why we were at the mall waiting for him now. He’d left the apartment after telling me he had some things to take care of before coming back to us. I didn’t dare ask him what things, and after overhearing him on the phone ordering someone to come sit outside my apartment, I didn’t know if to be relieved or fearful.
The fear I felt for my mother paled in comparison to what I now felt for Calen, the man I’d loved with my whole being. He’d always been gentle with me and had always gone out of his way to shield me from what he used to call his more volatile side, something I’d seen only once