didn’t matter that I’d burned for her, dreamt of her, could think of nothing else but touching her, having her. It didn’t matter that the moment she’d disappeared, it felt like something had been ripped from me, something that left me empty and desperate.
No one had any idea the lengths I’d gone to succeed. I couldn’t give that up. Despite wanting her, I knew she didn’t belong in my world, and I didn’t belong in hers.
Chris watched me, awaiting an explanation.
I cleared my throat. “I assume you’re here because our parents sent you to follow me?”
“Well, yes, but I’m also curious.” He glanced around the room. Mostly farmers and town folk resided in the quaint, rustic establishment. “Why this location? What, or who, resides here on the outskirts of London?”
“Perhaps I merely wanted to get away from the crowds.”
Dubiously, he arched a brow. “Hmm.”
I reached into my pocket and tossed him some coins. They clattered together upon the table top. “Here, grab something to eat. And why not visit Tessie, since I can’t? I have someone to meet.”
His eyes lit up. “You know my weakness. Food, ale, and women.”
Indeed, I did. I stood and made my way to the door as Chris made his way to the bar and Tessie. I wasn’t the least surprised that my parents had bribed Chris to follow me. Nothing surprised me anymore. I pulled open the door. The wind and rain whipped into the room, tearing at my coat.
The bitter chill calmed me in some odd way. Pierced my skin, making me numb. A normal blustery afternoon in September. I’d felt restless all day, as if waiting for something to happen. What, I wasn’t quite sure. I started across the front garden, slick with mud.
“My lord.”
I nodded as I moved into the carriage, taking reprieve from the rain. “Gibs.”
Hell, I couldn’t blame Chris for my obsession with Ginny. Thoughts of Ginny invaded my dreams whether he was there to remind me of her or not. She’d sunk her claws into me that night in the library, and it had terrified me. The feelings that had surfaced were like nothing I’d felt before. Something I didn’t want to feel again.
The door shut, and the coach jerked forward, down the long, winding road, leaving me with nothing but my thoughts.
I could still hear Father’s voice, “Emotions make you weak. Make you unable to think clearly.”
And for once, he’d been right. I sure as hell hadn’t been thinking clearly with Ginny near. I raked my hands over my face and sank into the corner of the carriage. When I’d left the ball and returned home, I’d fully expected to find her packing. Irate, yes, but there all the same. I had planned to give her some money, plenty to see her settled, and send her on her way. I had no room in my life for complications. And she would definitely be a complication.
But she hadn’t been there.
I told myself that I merely wanted to see her paid. And so, I’d sent men to the slums, when I should have been glad to be rid of her. I’d checked with the Landcaster household. I’d even had my men spy on the factory. Part of me was terrified they’d pull her body from the Thames one of these days. Women like her came up missing all the time, only to show up dead days later. The world was cruel, heartless, and the weak suffered the most.
And I was part of that cruel, heartless world. I was the monster who had used her, then pushed her out into the vast unknown. But I’d made no promises, other than to compensate for time spent in my presence. At least those were the words I repeated to myself late at night when I couldn’t sleep.
Mayhap she’d found another man. My teeth ground together. Even almost a year later the thought made me ill. I had to accept the fact that she was lost to me for good. Had to stop looking for her in every woman with dark hair. Cease to wonder if another man had claimed her as mistress. She was gone. Vanished, as if she’d never existed. I had to forget her, or I’d go mad.
I rested back against the seat. “Why won’t you leave me in peace?”
The carriage bounced down the dirt lane, giving life to the nagging pain in my head. If it wasn’t for the few things she owned which still littered her room, a chamber