Dancing with Molly - Lena Horowitz Page 0,53

little things. The visuals created by the sun and water, the light as it played across Carson’s body; all of it made me feel completely drenched in pleasure.

I don’t remember how long we were out in the water, but I noticed his cheeks—the ones on his face!—were getting a little pink and I said that maybe we should go inside for a while. We toweled off and carried our water bottles and stuff inside. My hair smelled like chlorine so I asked if I could take a shower, and Carson went into his bathroom and started the water. His shower is beautiful. It’s not a typical showerhead over a tub; it’s a walk-in glass stall with a skylight, and plenty of room for two people. There’s a rain-shower showerhead above, and then two additional jets that come out of the wall.

The sex started in the shower, and at some point, we got out and moved onto Carson’s bed. When he suggested that we dry off and go someplace more comfortable, I remember feeling relieved because I had the thought that we could get a condom. But when we got onto Carson’s bed, the soft sheets against my skin took my breath away, and also the thought of getting a condom. He was kissing me between the legs, and it felt so amazing I couldn’t think about anything else. The molly heightened every sensation and seemed to warp time. How it all happened is a little fuzzy in my head now, but at some point, I realized he was inside me. We’d been fooling around for a while, and he is really talented with his tongue down there, so it wasn’t this horrible horror story that I’d heard about from other people’s first times. Still, it hurt a little and I bled a little even though he went really slowly.

I wonder if I would have said no if I hadn’t been rolling. I mean, now, looking back at it, as much as I am into Carson, I’m not sure what’s happening with us. It seems silly to pretend that we’re going to be together forever in that sort of wide-eyed way that Ashley talks about boys. He’s leaving for college in a couple months, and . . . well, I’m not. Also, I didn’t want my first time to be on drugs. Something about that felt weird. Plus, I really wish he’d used a condom. Still, he’s the sexiest guy I’ve ever been on a date with—the only handsome one, really—and I would be insane to say no to having a first time with somebody when we have a connection like this, right? It’s not that I wish we hadn’t had sex. I just wish I hadn’t been on molly during it. If I hadn’t been, I think I would’ve at least made sure that he was wearing a condom.

As I was sitting across from Carson at dinner and he was joking around with my dad and making up details about our search for his mom’s birthday present, it hit me that Carson didn’t even pull out when he finished, and I suddenly got really scared that I might get pregnant. After a minute, I realized that I’d been staring at Ashley. She saw the look on my face, and got this self-satisfied, smug little grin that made me want to reach across the table and smack it off her.

I walked Carson out to his car when he left, and he told me that he had such a good time with me today. Then he said that he loved me. He actually said it. I said that I loved him too, but something really troubles me about the whole experience. I mean, if he really loved me, wouldn’t he have worn a condom? Wouldn’t he have listened to me when I asked him if he had any instead of just continuing? I don’t want to make it seem like he’s a bad guy—he’s not. I just wish that we hadn’t been high.

For the first time, I wish I hadn’t done molly.

Wednesday, June 17

I had a really hard time getting to sleep last night. Carson texted me a couple times to say he was thinking about how much fun he had yesterday afternoon, and I guess I finally drifted off sometime this morning around two. When I woke up, I heard Mom walking around the house in her high heels and remembered that she had a meeting with a client early today.