Cut & Blow (Cut & Blow #2) - Ashleigh Giannoccaro Page 0,51

me a mortified look from the midwife.

If it wasn’t inside me – then it was real. A little person that I would be responsible for, have to protect and love, and the emotion of that overwhelmed me and gave me anxiety.

With everything else that was going on around me, all the changes and the stark reality of my new family, I had pushed it aside. Denial had once again became my coping mechanism and I just pretended he would never arrive.

Everything around me was crashing down like a volcano had erupted. The truth is that Sal had become exactly what Rat said he would be. Cold, distant, cheating, and sometimes abusive. I hated to admit he was right about it, or that I had been so fucking stupid.

I’d wanted a picture-perfect little family so badly that I failed to see it for what it was. And in all that, I had fallen in love with Rat. It took just that one kiss, a stolen moment at Sunday lunch.

My heart would ache for him every time Sal touched me, when his whiskey breath kissed me and I would retreat to the memory of how Rat tasted.

I was alone, a lot. Rat, was there. Sal never was.

It started with small touches; little smiles that became too hard to ignore. I tried. I avoided him, hid away and pretended I didn’t want him. That my heart hadn’t been stolen.

Now though, I don’t know where he is, or who anyone is.

They are all hiding secrets, one worse than the other.

I watched Sal die. I saw someone die. The father of my son, his blood on the immaculate floor, his eyes as he saw me seeing him die. Rat just stood there, he didn’t even blink.

When he came to my room in the morning he wanted me, he needed comfort and so did I, but I couldn’t give it to him and he certainly couldn’t give it to me. Our bond was broken. He watched as my security and future was shot down in front of him.

My eyes opened once in the ambulance and Ailee looked at me, with her flowing tears dripping on me. The lucid moment was gone as fast as it came, and the black abyss of my memories came back.

It was all Rat. All of it. He was the one taking care of me behind the scenes. He took care of my mother and sisters without me even knowing, he kept Sal at arms length. He would watch over me. He was the guardian. But I feared it wasn’t me he was guarding, but his little brother.

Faces of customers, and frowning faces from church swim in crowds as I try to find a way to wake up.

Widow.

I’m a widow.

I am alone.

No, I’m not alone. I have a son.

I have two sons.

That sounds wrong. It's wrong.

Rat, I have Rat.

I’m alone.

Am I dying? Is this the end?

I became a widow and a mother in one day. I missed the emergency delivery of my son because I was in shock. I got my wish to wake up when it was all over.

Nothing felt right, it was all wrong. I didn’t want to see him, or anyone. I wanted to be alone, to go back to sleep and never wake up to this nightmare again.

The nurse asked if I was alright. I said no and asked her for more medication so I could sleep. After the fourth time, she wasn’t giving me more, she said my baby needed me.

No one needs me.

I sent everyone away in a rage somewhere in between it all; chased them out of my room. I didn’t want to look at their faces, filled with hope and sadness all at once.

“We want to bring your little boy for you to hold. He needs his Momma, he’s been waiting for you. And we need to get you up and walking about.”

“I don’t want to see him yet.” The friendly nurse went from bubbly, to vicious, in about two seconds.

“Your little man doesn’t care what you want, he needs you. So you need to cut the shit now. He’s got no daddy to watch him, you are all that baby has. Act like it, young lady. Or, I can call psych down here and they’ll call child services.” She isn’t so nice now.

“Fine.” I huff as she lifts my bed up and I’m forced to sit up. It hurts like a motherfucker and I groan.

“Let’s get you up and go fetch him shall