“Yeah, the doctor told us,” Josh says. “That’s great news.” Josh looks down at Marisol. “You and your sister are little beasts, aren’t you, Little Miss Sunshine?”
“Switch with me, Josh. I don’t want Sunshine to think I don’t love her, too.”
He nods and we trade incubators.
“Hi, baby,” I say, stroking Marisol’s soft feet. “Little Miss Sunshine.” She strains toward my touch and my heart leaps and pangs exactly the way it did when I was touching Luna.
“Hi, Luna,” Josh whispers, laying his large hand on her tiny chest. “Nice to meet you, Crazy Monkey. I’m your Uncle Josh.”
“Oh no,” I say. “Tit for tat. I’m gonna make them call you something horrific like Uncle Joshie-Woshie.”
“Oh, hell no.”
“Oh, hell yes. Karma’s a bitch, motherfucker.”
The nurse behind us clears her throat.
“Oh. Sorry,” I say.
“Joke’s on you. They won’t be able to say that, anyway. It’ll come out like Unkie Jshwshsh.”
“Oh no, we’ll work with them every single day ’til they get it exactly right,” I say. And the minute those fantastical words leave my mouth, my heart wrenches in my chest like I’m being stabbed with a rusty blade. Why am I letting myself envision a future in which Sarah and I happily teach our toddlers to say “Uncle Joshie Woshie”? I swallow hard, but I can’t keep tears from pooling in my eyes.
Sarah.
“She’s gonna be okay,” Josh says, reading my mind. “Sarah’s the strongest person I know.”
I blink back my tears. “If she doesn’t pull through,” I whisper, but I can’t finish the sentence.
Josh swallows hard. Wordlessly, he bends down to Luna and touches her tiny fingers, one by one. “Jonas, that option is officially unavailable to you, bro,” he says, not looking at me, “for the rest of your life.”
I look down at Sunshine and then over at Luna, processing what Josh just said to me—and with sudden clarity, I know he’s right. Holy fuck. He’s right. I’m a father. These miniature people are mine. Forever. No turning back. And I can’t let them down.
Holy shit. I suddenly feel like I’m standing at a fork in the road. Am I gonna be the kind of father who blows his fucking brains out while his kid is making him a turkey burger downstairs? Or am I gonna be the kind of father who climbs any mountain and slays any dragon for his baby girls—even if that mountain or dragon happens to be himself?
Josh is looking at me with eyes that see right through me. He raises his eyebrows, clearly asking me if I understand and accept the situation.
I nod.
Josh steps forward and puts his hand on my shoulder. “You’re not alone in this. I’m right here.”
“I love her,” I say simply.
Josh wraps his arms around me. “I know,” he says, his voice quavering into my cheek. “I love her, too.”
“I don’t know how to live without her,” I choke out.
“You won’t have to.”
“She’s my everything.”
“She’s gonna pull through, Jonas—I know she will. She’s Sarah Fucking Cruz.” His body twitches violently against me as he tries to contain his emotion.
“This is too hard,” I say. “It’s too hard for me to handle.”
“It’s too hard for anyone to handle. It’s not just you.”
I mumble something incoherent into his neck and Josh squeezes me tighter.
“Have faith, Jonas,” Josh whispers into my ear. “God wouldn’t take Sarah from us. There’s no way he’d be that fucking cruel.” His voice is strained. “Again.”
Chapter 13
Sarah
I’m standing inside a massive cave on the lip of a towering waterfall, peering into the dark abyss below me. A warm, driving rain pelts me from above, drenching my skin and hair and clothes. If it weren’t for the headlamp on my helmet, I’d be enveloped by utter blackness without reprieve.
I can’t move.
I can’t speak.
I’m in pain.
Is this rain-battered cave some sort of gigantic metaphor for my own demise—a construct my mind has created to make death understandable to me? Wow, that’d be hella poetic—and, jeez, awfully sad, too. But, no, I don’t think I’m dead, because every inch of my body hurts right now. Juepucha culo.
My face feels heavy. My head is pounding. And, oh my God, what is that horrible pain in my abdomen? Holy crappola. If this is death, then I’m officially pissed because the brochure clearly stated I’d feel nothing but eternal serenity all the dead-long day.