Crushed - Pamela Ann Page 0,48

thought of you in Carter’s bed, in his room, probably doing the things I used to do to you. It was eating me alive. I could barely sleep just thinking about it. In the beginning, I thought it was because Lindsey had gotten married. That influenced it, too, but when I came out of my room and heard you two laughing inside his bedroom—well, I knew you were a major part of my sleepless nights.”

His confession rendered me—wtf? Did he just tell me he was jealous without really using the damn word itself? What!

“Please … Tell me who this fucker is so he can be served for what he did to you,” Brody pressed on, redirecting my thoughts back to the problem at hand, which was to make him stop pursuing Rob’s identity.

“No.” I had to put my foot down, ready to be graced with his angry backlash. “I don’t want people looking at me differently; they already do. No, I can’t embarrass myself this way. It’s just too humiliating even thinking about it. And for me to go the route you intend to take? Fuck, I just can’t do it. I’m sorry. Call me a coward, whatever, but I can’t fucking do it, Brody.”

He stilled, not quite happy about my unwavering stance, then took another route. “If he’s going to do this to you, he’ll do it to someone else. Are you really going to let another girl go through this? You’re all sorts of fucked up. If you could prevent this, why wouldn’t you?”

“Because…” I’m afraid. Because, once I do, there’s no going back.

I would forever be a victim, and I didn’t want to see myself that way. I could get through this without needing to tell the rest of the population about the humiliating experience. I couldn’t bear it.

Giving him a pleading look, I said, “I have to go. I need to breathe.” Hastily, I scoured the room for my purse, ready to head out the door. I could feel the chain around my neck tightening as the walls closed around me, ready to confine me, trap me.

“Let me come with you,” he offered at the last second as I opened the door, about to sprint out of there like the hounds of Hell were chasing me.

Giving him one last glance, I said, “No. I need to be alone.”

He solemnly nodded. “I’ll stay in this room,” he said, knowing where my thoughts were leading and willing to give me that breathing space I was desperate for. “I’ll wait for you.”

I could have breathed out a thank you, but I didn’t have the capacity to do even that. Brody was too much on top of everything else. I just couldn’t deal with it all at once. He meant well, but at this moment, I needed to regroup and calm down.

I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t put myself through the process. Women had to be careful whom they partied with because no one was safe from predatory men. They were everywhere, and some got caught and punished, but some freely walked around as if they had done nothing wrong. And I bet with my life, most predators were free; little were caught because of women like me.

At the end of the day, I had to do what was right for me, though, not for everyone. I paid my dues by choosing a dark, stupid path, and I learned my lesson. Sometimes it was better to lock it down, suffer alone, and get through it the best as I possibly could.

Brody could judge me all he wanted, but I had been through so much as it was, so there was no way in hell I would ever tell another soul what I had gone through that night. Relaying the story of that night had already been a nightmare. I couldn’t go through that again. That was enough. It was all I could muster. No more … no more.

For me to get through this ordeal, I had to learn how to forgive myself. Then, maybe in time, things would change for the better.

Chapter Twenty-One

It was already past midnight when I decided to get in my car to aimlessly drive around. I felt like a woman on the verge of a meltdown, and no matter what I did, it seemed as if nothing was helping me lift my spirits. I wasn’t necessarily crying, though my eyes were moist from the hard encounter I’d had with Brody. I wasn’t necessarily angry,