“Do you?” I ask. “Do you really? Because you say you love me, and I believe you do. But I don’t think you respect me. Not like an equal. Not like I need to be respected. If you did, you wouldn’t have just ignored me when I told you I thought it was a bad idea to go after the Unkillable Beast.”
“That’s not fair, Grace. I still stand by my opinion that letting Hudson into the world with his powers would be a disaster—”
“Xavier’s dead, Jaxon. He’s dead and it’s our fault! How are we supposed to live with that? How am I ever supposed to forgive myself for not fighting you harder? For not demanding that you listen? For not getting through to you?”
“You learn to understand what the rest of us already do. That it is a goddamn tragedy—” His voice breaks, but he clears his throat, swallows a couple of times. “It is a tragedy that Xavier died. But he said it himself the other night. Some things are worth dying for. Because if Hudson gets free with his powers, then a lot more people are going to suffer, a lot more people are going to die than just Xavier. That’s what you don’t understand.”
His words resonate. They do. Because I wasn’t here eighteen months ago. I didn’t see firsthand what Hudson did. I didn’t see what led to Jaxon feeling like he had to kill his brother.
And that’s when it hits me.
Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe the reason he can’t believe me is that if he does, he’s going to have to acknowledge that he didn’t have to kill his brother. He’s going to have to acknowledge that maybe he made the worst mistake of his life.
But we can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep chasing after ways to keep the world safe from Hudson, not when those ways leave people dead or badly injured.
“You’re going to have to trust me,” I tell him. “You’re going to have to believe me on this. Because if you don’t, I don’t see how we can get past it. You’re my mate, and I love you. But I can’t spend the rest of our lives together fighting for you to believe me. Fighting for you to believe in me.”
Hudson has gotten very, very quiet inside me. And I can understand why. There’s a part of me that can’t believe I’m saying this, that can’t believe I’m even thinking it. But I can’t live like this. I won’t live like this, where my partner isn’t actually my partner. I deserve better than that…and so does Jaxon.
“What does that mean?” he asks, and for the first time ever, Jaxon looks panicked, out of control, desperate. “What are you saying?”
Part of me wants to admit the truth. To say that I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know what I’m thinking. But that’s a cop-out. Worse, it’s weak. And if there’s one thing I’m not going to be anymore, it’s weak. Not for Jaxon. Not for anyone.
“I’m saying I need you to meet me halfway,” I tell him. “I need you to try to treat me as an equal. I need you to listen to me, to trust me, even when it’s the hardest thing in the world for you to do, because that’s what I’m willing to do for you. But if you can’t get there, if you can’t even try, then I don’t know where we’re going to end up.”
He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, doesn’t espouse his undying love, doesn’t promise me that he’ll do anything I want. And actually, I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the time he spends thinking about it. Because that means it’s real. That means he’s really trying to listen.
Finally, when my nerves are stretched to the breaking point and the clock has ticked down as long as we can afford to let it, Jaxon says, “I’ll try, Grace. Of course I’ll try. But I’ve been like this a really long time, so you’re going to have to cut me some slack. I’m going to mess up. I’m going to try to protect you even when you don’t need to be protected, and some of the time you’re going to have to let me. Because that’s who I am. That’s who I’ll always be.”
“I know,” I answer, tears burning my exhausted eyes as I finally, finally