didn’t. I missed him, but I missed feeling happy, too. After spending most of my morning rolling around in my dark thoughts, I cut class and let all of the fucked up desires in my brain carry my feet towards the train tracks.
Godfrey said Rogue wanted eyes on me at all time, well good luck finding me now, assholes. I wished that I had started going against them a while ago. Every time I pushed back, I learned something new with them. Maybe they'd finally tell me why they started hating me all those months ago. Maybe they’d actually tell me who the man that they killed was.
I was too scared to ask. What if he had a family? What if he was just a man in the wrong place at the wrong time. My gut was telling me that the guys wouldn’t just kill for sport, but learning the truth might make it more difficult for me to compartmentalize. It was easier to overlook when their victim didn’t have a name.
My mind wandered back to the hallway with Godfrey. Such a sneaky prick. I didn’t regret kissing him. In fact, I had half a mind to do it again just to see Rogue worked up. Rogue liked the fight in me. I could feel it every time I challenged him. It was like there was this electric charge zipping between us. Before, he’d always handled me like I was this porcelain doll. Something to protect and put on a shelf. But now, he relished it when I faced him with every chip and crack. He liked it when I showed him that I wasn’t afraid of him, even after I’d seen him slit a man’s throat.
l checked my phone as I walked, knowing that the guys would’ve gotten out of class by now. A text popped up on my screen.
Rogue: Where are you?
I laughed. I could almost picture him, stalking around school and punching lockers like the caveman he was. A thrill shot down my spine at the idea of getting him all riled up. I loved it when he lost control with me. It was exciting and unnerving, and I craved it. I should probably book an appointment with a therapist.
I clutched my jacket tighter against my body as I walked. The road leading towards the tracks was covered in drooping Spanish moss, creating an alley of dying plants and fall foliage. My boots kicked up fallen leaves as I walked, and I breathed in the smell of fall. I was sore, tired, and just plain confused. I looked down at my phone and frowned at the next message that came in from Bonham.
Bonham: Call us now.
Then another text notification popped up.
Mama: Bought you a dress. Your fitting is in a week. Don’t forget the diet pills I left.
I sighed and switched my phone off. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone or think about anything. Once the guys realized I wasn’t at school or at my dance class, they’d probably go searching for me.
I didn’t understand it. At first, I thought that they were worried I was going talk, but it seemed deeper than that. I wanted to believe that they were worried for my safety and that their cruelty had a purpose, but that was also hard to believe when they wouldn’t explain anything to me. But Rogue’s words kept haunting me. I have to hate you because it’s easier than losing you.
Were those words just a part of another mind game? A sick manipulation? If I fell for it, I would hate myself more than I already did.
Once at the end of the street, I smiled at a man selling cans of strawberry preserves on the corner, and then turned towards the alley that led towards the abandoned train tracks. The closer I got to our secret spot, the more at peace I felt. Each step was bringing me closer to clarity, and the weight on my chest that was brought on by the stress of the last few months started to dissolve. It seemed that no matter what they did, this place still held enough good memories to make me feel better again. When I came here, I still felt like I belonged, standing on top of the world with my best friends at my side.
We’d come here so many times together. I debated laying down on the tracks for old time’s sake. It was something the guys and I used to