think you got here when Pandora let you out of that box.”
He sweeps his thumb thoughtfully over my cheekbone, then cups my chin in his hand. He gazes at me steadily for a moment, then says, “I’ll give you a week to think about it.”
“It?”
“The kiss. If you decide when a week’s up that you really don’t want to kiss me, I’ll let it go. You’ll never hear from me again.” He pauses. “To clarify: I’ll still be making sure you’re safe. This isn’t blackmail.”
Incredibly, I believe him. But I can’t admit that, so I go with sarcasm instead. “How gallant.”
“Just because I’m the leader of an international criminal organization doesn’t mean I can’t be honorable, too.”
“Funny, I was under the impression that’s exactly what it means.”
That sly, I’ve-got-a-secret twinkle returns to his eyes. “Where I’m concerned, lass, you should get used to being wrong.”
He ducks his head, brushes his lips against my cheek, then takes me by the shoulders and moves me a few feet to one side. Then he leaves, letting the door slam shut behind him.
I stand unmoving where he left me for a long time, my hand to my face, feeling the ghost of his lips burn my skin, trying to convince myself that when Max said my collision with the elemental force that is Killian Black was fate, she was dead wrong.
Trying but not quite believing it.
13
Jules
I call Max back and tell her everything. Then I ask her what she thinks we should do.
“Aside from driving straight to the nearest adult store to stock up on lube and fishnet stockings? Book an appointment for a Brazilian wax. Then set up a video camera in the closet. I’m gonna want to watch the highlight reel over and over again.”
“I’m not having sex with him. Also, you are a very disturbed person. I said what should we do? Stay in our safe spots for the time being, right?”
“He knows where your safe spot is, genius.”
“I’ll move to another one, obviously.”
“Uh-huh. And what makes you think he couldn’t find you there?”
She makes a good point. I touch my hair, wondering if he implanted another tracking device when he had his hand buried in it.
I decide the odds are good. I should take another shower.
“We can’t go back to the apartment like nothing happened. That’s reckless.”
Max laughs. “Right. Because the three of us would never do anything reckless.”
I sit on the edge of the bed and stare out at the view of the Charles River, where I accused him of planning to throw me while I sported a pair of cement shoes. I think of his face when he said he liked me the way Newton liked gravity.
I think of his eyes.
I say quietly, “Help me, Max. I’m lost.”
She’s silent for a long time. Then she says, “You’re lost because you like him. And you hate yourself for liking him. Because he’s everything he is. Because your worst nightmare is ending up like your mother: drunk in love, then dead as a result.”
It’s both a gift and a curse having another person know me this well. My chest constricts until it’s painful.
I whisper, “I remember how she worshipped my father. How she hung on his every word. Even when I was little, I couldn’t understand her devotion. I knew he was bad…why didn’t she?”
Max says firmly, “You’re not your mother. Or your father. You’re you, not the sum of their parts. Let that shit go.”
Letting go is what I’ve been trying to do my whole life. But a person’s life history isn’t a butterfly’s cocoon or a snake’s dead, outgrown skin. We can’t walk away from it. We carry our history around in our hearts and our memories and deep within our bones. It’s alive and well, circulating in our bloodstreams.
Our pasts know exactly who we are, even when we don’t.
Or don’t want to admit we do.
Perhaps that’s my mistake: running away from the past instead of confronting it. Fleeing the dragon instead of slaying it.
Confusing hiding with moving on.
I look at the gun I stole from Killian’s guest room resting on the nightstand. I remember the knife stashed in the pocket of my coat. I think of all the ways I’ve trained to save myself from danger, all the ways I’ve contorted myself to make up for the sins of a single man, and wonder if the point of all the training and striving hasn’t been safety or penance, but preparation instead.