My fists bang on the door for what seems like hours.
It's like there’s no soul behind the door.
No answer.
No nothing.
I slide down to the stairs, regaining my breathing.
So much weird energy buzzes through me like there’s a party going on through my organs. I want to jump and run — preferably at the same time.
I don’t know where this place is, but it’s dark. The only light comes from the main house in the distance. Something Just Like This by Coldplay and The Chainsmokers from the party.
Normally, I’d make sure there’s no one in my immediate vicinity, but normal isn’t today.
I jump up and start dancing, twirling between the bushes and riding the wave coursing through my veins.
If someone is invincible enough to jump to the sky then it’s me.
The music seeps under my skin and tightens my muscles. My tank top sticks to my back with sweat the more I twirl and shake my hips like Mum and I used to.
Pressure builds behind my eyes at the memory of her — or the lack thereof. It’s been two years and she’s becoming more and more like a fog. Her smile is disappearing and the positive energy she taught me is replaced by a deep gloom now.
While dancing, I pull the underside of my forearm in the direction of the light. It’s not clear, but I can almost see the tiny tattoos of a sun, a moon, and a star.
She made the star black because I’m her ‘Star’. She said she named me Astrid because it means an Old Norse star, a super strength that she needed when she had me.
The tattoo is the last memory I have of her.
If I didn’t ask her to come pick me up from the art class late at night, if I didn’t throw a tantrum when she told me the news, maybe she’d be here now.
Maybe I won’t be stuck with Dad and his entitled last name.
If I got her out of the car in time, if I called for help in time…
I screw my eyes shut against the grief and what-ifs. My shrink said guilt-shaming will only consume me without offering a solution. Still, the wave of crushing guilt is as constant as every breath I take. It’s lodged in the dark corners of my heart and my soul.
It feels like yesterday. The smell of smoke, burnt flesh, and metallic blood.
So much fucking blood.
I continue swaying to the music with lesser energy. My arms wrap around my middle and I open my eyes, chasing the ‘guilt-shaming’ away.
I want to take off my clothes and take a dip in the pool.
Sounds like a brilliant idea, me.
How come I never thought about it earlier?
I jump and hop amidst the bushes and the dirt path leading to the main mansion.
Dan better show up or I’ll kill him. What’s the use of a best friend if he doesn’t go stupid pool dancing with me?
The bright lights of the house become clearer, and I stop, shielding my eyes with the back of my hand. Ugh. Why so strong?
“Come on, we don’t have time. Do it!”
“Shut it. Everything needs to be perfect.”
“Just do it already or we’ll be in trouble.”
My ears stand at the hushed whispers coming from between the bushes. They’re male voices, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard them before.
Or have I?
But again, RES is too big for me to know everyone. Especially since I nailed the invisible role.
Besides, this is the farewell party before summer so more than likely, all students are here.
My instinct tells me this isn’t a conversation or a situation I should be privy on.
And my instinct is always right.
I sneak to the opposite direction towards the blinding light.
A twig crunches under my shoes like in some cliché horror film.
I freeze in place, muting my chaotic breathing as best as I can.
“Who’s there?” The first hardened voice asks.
“I’m going to check.”
“Don’t let them escape!”
Oh, for the love of Vikings!
I sprint through the bushes and between the tall trees. Voices and loud footsteps echo behind me.
My heart hammers against my ribcage as if about to spill on the ground. The more footsteps close in on me, the harder I push forward.
I’m not an athletic person. The mere act of running wooshes all energy out of me like I’m a deflating balloon. Soon enough, I’m panting and sweating like a pig.