at your Ah Ma’s, or Pulau Club movie night with your dad?”
“I can give it up. I can give all of that up!” Astrid cried, burying her head in his lap and clinging to him tightly.
“I wouldn’t want you to. You’ll be happier without me in the long run. I’m just holding you back.”
“But what about Cassian? How can you just abandon our son like this?”
“I’m not abandoning him. I will still spend as much time with him as you’ll let me. Don’t you see? If I was ever going to leave, this is the perfect time—before Cassian is old enough to be affected by it. I will never stop being a good father to him, but I can’t stay married to you. I just don’t want to live in your world anymore. There’s no way I can measure up to your family, and I don’t want to keep resenting you for who you are. I made a terrible mistake, Astrid. Please, please just let me go,” he said, his voice getting choked up.
Astrid looked up at Michael, realizing it was the first time she had ever seen him cry.
* * *
* Derogatory Hokkien term for a lower-class young man who lacks education or taste.
15
Villa d’Oro
SINGAPORE
Peik Lin knocked softly on the door. “Come in,” Rachel said.
Peik Lin entered the bedroom gingerly, holding a gold tray with a covered earthenware bowl. “Our cook made some pei daan zhook* for you.”
“Please thank her for me,” Rachel said disinterestedly.
“You can stay in here as long as you want, Rachel, but you need to eat,” Peik Lin said, staring at Rachel’s gaunt face and the dark circles under her eyes, puffy from all the crying.
“I know I look like hell, Peik Lin.”
“Nothing a good facial won’t fix. Why don’t you let me whisk you away to a spa? I know a great place in Sentosa that has—”
“Thank you, but I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Maybe tomorrow?”
“Okay, tomorrow,” Peik Lin chirped. Rachel had been saying the same thing all week, but she had not left the bedroom once.
When Peik Lin left the room, Rachel took the tray and placed it against the wall next to the door. She hadn’t had an appetite for days, not since the night she had fled from Cameron Highlands. After fainting in the drawing room in front of Nick’s mother and grandmother, she had been quickly revived by the expert ministrations of Shang Su Yi’s Thai lady’s maids. As she regained consciousness, she found a cold towel being dabbed on her forehead by one maid, while the other was performing reflexology on her foot.
“No, no, please stop,” Rachel said, trying to get up.
“You mustn’t get up so quickly,” she heard Nick’s mother say.
“The girl has such a weak constitution,” she heard Nick’s grandmother mutter from across the room. Nick’s worried face appeared over her.
“Please Nick, get me out of here,” she pleaded weakly. She had never wanted to leave someplace more desperately in her life. Nick scooped her into his arms and carried her toward the door.
“You can’t leave now, Nicky! It’s too dark to drive down the mountain, lah!” Eleanor called after them.
“You should have thought of that before you decided to play God with Rachel’s life,” Nick said through clenched teeth.
As they drove down the winding road away from the lodge, Rachel said, “You don’t have to drive down the mountain tonight. Just drop me off at that town we passed through.”
“We can go anywhere you want to, Rachel. Why don’t we get off this mountain and spend the night in K.L.? We can get there by ten.”
“No, Nick. I don’t want to drive anymore. I need some time on my own. Just drop me off in town.”
Nick was silent for a moment, thinking carefully before he responded.
“What are you going to do?”
“I want to check into a motel and go to sleep, that’s all. I just want to be away from everyone.”
“I’m not sure you should be alone right now.”
“For God’s sake, Nick, I’m not some basket case, I’m not going to slit my wrists or take a million Seconals. I just need some time to think,” Rachel answered sharply.
“Let me be with you.”
“I really need to be alone, Nick.” Her eyes seemed glazed over.
Nick knew that she was in a deep state of shock—he was shocked himself, so he could scarcely imagine what she was going through. At the same time, he was racked with guilt, feeling responsible for the damage that had been