THE CRAZY GOOD SERIES - Rachel Robinson Page 0,375

A more curious man would have opened it sooner, but maybe I wanted to have everything first, to combat the nothingness she felt when she wrote this. Today, I have everything, so I open it and find her neat handwriting filling the page.

Cody Ridge,

You were supposed to give me everything. I put all of my eggs in your proverbial basket. All of the love in my heart belongs to you. I find myself crying for no reason and then realize it’s because I don’t know how to like anything if I can’t love you. You’re gone. They couldn’t recover your body and I don’t know what to put inside the box that’s supposed to hold you. You always loved my words. You would always watch my lips as I spoke, like you couldn’t wait to hear what I would say next. Remember how you’d lean over my shoulder and watch me type mundane words to clients? I thought it was just so you could be close to me, but that wasn’t it, was it? Words. My words. Even my boring ones you wanted.

I would have loved to give you a million words in this letter, but all of the words that currently come to mind are about pain and suffering and heartbreak so strong that I feel like I may die myself. Even dead, I wouldn’t want to read that. So instead, I’ll write to you as if you’re still living. I’ll give you happy words that tell you where I wanted to end up with you. Because that’s what life is about, right? Where you end up? I’ll be okay as long as I eventually end up next to you. Wherever that may be. I better stop swearing, huh?

For Cody:

In the summer, in the sand, in the hot, hot sun

You kissed me under swaying trees and I came undone

Oh, you’re the one

Oh, you’re the one

In the fall under the moon in the bright, night sky

You promised me forever and I thought I might die

Oh, you’re the one

Oh, you’re the one

In the winter in the snow looking at the big, lit tree

As tears trickled down, you asked to marry me

Oh, you’re the one

Oh, you’re the one

Now old and gray and seasoned in life

I’ll love you forever, me and you, man and wife

Oh, you’re the one

You’re always the one

In my heart always,

Lainey

Her words stare at me from the page like a dream. It’s like going back in time. A dark time. I now know it was a time when she could have written anything to me, instead I get this. I swallow down the emotion and try to check my pulse. It’s hammering so hard I can hear it in my ears. This, this letter is more difficult to read than a hundred beatings from V. I lock the letter away and bring the dog downstairs. She catches me on the stairs and smiles when she sees the stuffed toy in my hands.

“He’s going to love Dog. Help me in the kitchen, please?” Lainey asks, breaking me from my daydream.

Wrapping my arm around her waist, I let her lead me away. I’ll let her lead me away anytime, and anywhere. She’s my one. I kiss the side of her head, trying to shake the image of her writing that letter away. “Time for cake?” I ask when I see Evan drooling over the chocolate confection. I truly do have everything. I lost everything to gain more. You’ll hear no complaints from me.

“It is. I thought we could sing a little song for him with some candles on top. It’s like his adoption birthday. Just us three, though. What do you say, Evan?”

Evan’s eyes light up and I’m rewarded with the biggest smile. It’s there. The fullness of his heart shining through eyes that were once vacant. Pride beams through me at full strength. This moment isn’t for me or for Lainey, this moment is for the two-year-old who didn’t have clothing or shoes, who was being held in a cellar without food and sold like an animal to do ungodly things. This moment is for him. Because that boy is gone and will stay that way as long as I’m living. “I love you, Mommy and Daddy,” he whispers. Lainey breaks down and I hug my son, feeling his heartbeat against my own.

In a low tone I sing ‘happy birthday’ and slip in words about love and family. We’re all crying when I finish the song, folded into each other as