THE CRAZY GOOD SERIES - Rachel Robinson Page 0,285

that I’m planning a big ole’ party of a wedding. Two hundred people are invited and guests have already started buying off the wedding registry. It makes me cringe. As one of my bridesmaids, it makes her cringe as well.

“I know, I know. Don’t worry. It’s going to be fine,” I say, rising from my seat. I’m too restless to stay in one place for long. “Everything is still on. Dax didn’t break up with me, Chloe. He just…wants me to be sure.” I think that’s what he wants. “The wedding is still on.” Saying it out loud comforts me. I’ve been planning for months. The save the dates have gone out. All of the fine details are tuned and my grandma, God bless her soul, even booked a plane ticket. How can I be so sure of something and have that surety turned on its head in a matter of days?

Chloe follows me into my bedroom as I tear open my closet and begin my search for something to wear. The smell of Dax lingers in here. His clothes all hung color coordinated with shirts on the top and pants and jeans on the bottom. My side of the closet is a fucking rainbow of shirts next to skirts next to jeans and multiple items draped on one hanger. “It maximizes space,” I say to Chloe when she sees the disaster.

Shaking her head, she leaves me to my pit and walks to look out of the enormous bay window that overlooks the water. Boats come and go all day, but right now the water is still, peaceful. The opposite of how I feel inside. The water makes me feel safe…like I’m on a tiny island that no one can reach unless I decide to allow them. The reality is that one hurricane could wipe out my entire existence in this house. I’ll never be truly safe. Chloe prattles on, saying things meant to comfort me or help me make a decision, but she knows I have to follow through with my friendship with Cody and whatever she thinks that means. Merely thinking of the man makes me weak in the knees. I’ve missed everything about him. I’ve missed looking at him and hearing his voice, feeling him beside me, on top of me…inside me. There’s no denying what I want to do. Now it’s just a matter of feelings. Cody’s and Dax’s.

Chloe interrupts my thoughts by saying, “I need to ask you one thing.”

I nod.

“You knew he was alive for a long time and you didn’t want to see him. Why?”

I tell her as much as I can. “Because it hurt too much and it was too confusing and odd. Until you stare down a ghost from a former life, you can’t expect to understand. I visited his gravesite regularly, Chloe. Remember the video? I watched him die. He was gone. It took some getting used to before I could come to terms with it. Seeing him again messed me up just like I thought it would—even worse, actually. Look at the decision I have to make.”

She asks a few more questions to which I give pointed answers and she helps me pick out an outfit. Her initial question is still fresh in my mind, as is the legitimate answer.

My proximity only puts him in danger. Followed up by another fact: I cannot stay away any longer.

_______________

If my phone call with Dax is any indication as to how the rest of my day is going to play out, I should have just stayed in bed. Or perhaps locked myself in my home office and scrolled through design websites all day long. Work is always the answer. Dax is upset and rightfully so. Which in turn hurts my heart and causes my mood to plummet so low that it’s now in a dirty public toilet. He’s upset I didn’t call him last night to ask him to come back. Mostly, he’s beside himself that I’m here, standing in front of Cody’s house about to ring the doorbell. You know how women say one thing, think another, and actually do something entirely different? I feel like that’s what Dax pulled. Go ahead, Lainey. Be with Cody. Figure it out. When he really meant, go ahead, Lainey, crush my soul. When I hung up the call, he was resigned to holding up his end of the bargain that he created, and I felt like a lump of coal.

When Mother called next, I