I said with a sigh, laying Olive on the bed. I stretched my arms above my head—my shoulders were sore from being tensed up for the past two weeks. “But Rose and Lily aren’t even here, neither is Trix, and I didn’t talk to either of my cousins’ wives.”
“You think that would’ve mattered?” he asked curiously, sitting down gingerly on the edge of the bed.
“Probably,” I replied. “It would’ve been nice to get it all over with at once. Now I have to do it all again in the morning.”
“I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised,” Mark said.
“What gives you that impression?” I snapped, frustrated with his optimism. “Was it the fact that my brother left without saying goodbye? Or that my cousins’ wives didn’t come over to say hello? Maybe it was the fact that the club had to ride down to meet us, but my sister didn’t even bother to show up to, you know, say hello or make sure I was okay?”
“Cam didn’t say goodbye?” Mark asked. “That’s kind of shitty.”
“He doesn’t owe me anything,” I said, shaking my head. “My mom made sure that I remembered that.”
“What do you mean?” Mark asked, frowning. “What did she say?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Maybe Lily had good reason for not showing up,” Mark said reasonably. “Maybe she wanted to be here.”
“Just stop,” I said, my voice almost pleading as any frustration I’d felt was replaced with weariness. “She didn’t come to see me because I was an asshole, okay? Before I left, I was an asshole. Not once—all the time. I was unhappy and I made everyone around me as unhappy as I was. She didn’t want anything to do with me the last time I was home, and she doesn’t want anything to do with me now.”
“That was years ago,” he said softly, getting to his feet. “How long do you think you need to be punished for that?”
“I left,” I replied, taking a step back as he reached for me. “I wasn’t ever punished for it. I left and I never had to atone for any of it.”
“You don’t think banishment was atonement?” he asked softly.
“Banishment?” I scoffed.
“Yeah.” His eyes were kind as he stood there, letting me have my space. “There’s a reason why it was a punishment used by different cultures around the world. Separating a person from their family and everything they’ve ever known is one of the most painful punishments there is.”
“I was the one who left,” I reminded him around the lump in my throat.
“Which is even worse,” he said gently. “Because you did it to yourself.”
I dropped my face into my hands as his words sunk in. The first sob was a hiccup, but as he wrapped his arms around me, I lost it.
He was right.
I had been punishing myself. I’d been keeping myself away because I’d known how awful I’d been, and I couldn’t stand to take my family down the dark hole with me. I felt like I’d deserved to be alone. That I’d deserved to be separate from my family and the people who loved me, but had no idea what to do with me. Hell, I still felt that way. They didn’t deserve to deal with the mess I was in. It was my mess.
God, it hurt that Lily hadn’t come to see me. I couldn’t imagine not being the first one out of the clubhouse doors the minute she arrived if the roles were reversed. Even the thought of something bad happening to her made me panicky. In the early days in San Diego, I’d let the anxiety of not being there if she needed me swirl around in my brain until it was nearly debilitating, and I’d had to find out ways to cope so that my thoughts wouldn’t even go there. I’d gotten the fear under control until the last time I was home, when she’d been caught in a house fire. I’d been one of the first people at the hospital then, so frantic to make sure she was okay that I’d parked behind the ambulance and they’d towed my rental car. The never-ending fear cycle had started up all over again when I’d gone back to California. It was a nightmare.
So, the fact that she’d refused to even pretend to care whether or not I was home safe made nausea burn in my stomach. Did she really still hate me that much? Even after I’d apologized and tried to make things right? I’d barely spoken