ten, twenty, thirty times. There were no tears anymore; she had none left. She had given her spirit to God and He wouldn’t take her. She knew that everyone she had loved and lost would be waiting for her in a heaven she didn’t deserve.
She imagined Tom laying in the snow, Jess beside him, the guns now useless in their frozen hands. Christine nearby, looking graceful even in death. Marguerite in her puffy blue coat and Marquette scarf, red spilling out over the bright white on the ground. Sophie with her mother’s beloved hippo wrapped in her arms, her face pale and cold to match the winter’s night.
Jack’s body, riddled with bullets, face down in the woods.
I killed them. I killed all of them.
Bob. Ellie. Katie. Jenny.
This is my punishment. This is my fault. I’m not good enough. I didn’t do enough. I didn’t stop this.
She’d let her friends suffer for her. Die for her. And she had done nothing to prevent it from happening. Sorrow turned to regret to guilt. Perpetual, overwhelming guilt. Guilt over her bad decisions, guilt for abandoning her children, guilt over the agony she caused Jenny and Ellie, guilt for wishing that she could have had a quick bullet to the head like them.
She was a fiend, a charlatan, a leviathan of hypocrisy. Monstrosities like her deserved to suffer. She’d been so stupid to believe in hope. Hope was an excuse to be weak, to hold onto things that were never really there. Better to know the score, accept it was over. Jenny figured that out. She made her peace. But Caroline held on, never really wanting to believe that there was nothing left. Would she be in a different position if she accepted the truth? Maybe her family would still be alive if she never believed to begin with.
She said the prayer out loud this time, even though her voice was almost gone. Maybe God or his mother would hear her better that way.
“Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
That never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection,
Implored your help, or sought your intercession,
Was left unaided.
Inspired with this confidence,
I fly to you, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother.
To you I come, before you I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate,
Despise not my petitions,
But in your mercy, hear and answer me.”
Caroline still refused to give in to her interrogators but had no qualms about begging mercy from above.
“Our Lady, help me,” she whispered.
She felt herself slipping into darkness, and this time she welcomed it.
Chapter Forty
The Fed
The two men entered the cell, wheeling a gurney. One of them had a syringe concealed in his left chest pocket. He’d been practicing how to hide it, how to avoid the camera that constantly pointed at certain angles in the room. He knew the blind spots. He hoped he wouldn’t fuck this up.
He lost track of what he was doing for a moment and the gurney bumped the man in front of him.
“What the fuck, man?” The other man’s voice was angry. “That was my dick. Jesus.”
“The fuck it was. Not unless your dick is about a foot long.”
The second man gave him a lopsided grin. “You jealous?”
“Oh, fuck you, Jones,” the first man said, his voice low. “Stop being a goddamn comedian. And keep it down. I don’t think those cameras are on but try not to make yourself so obvious.”
“Alright, alright. Calm down, Saint Gabriel. Let’s do this.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“Why? It’s your name.”
“I’m no saint. And neither are you.”
“We are tonight.” Jones caught a glimpse of the woman hanging from the ceiling. “Fucking Christ. What in the ever loving fuck?”
A gruesome scene, to be sure. “Just leave that gurney here and come help me. You know what kind of shit goes down in this place. You’ve been here long enough. Don’t act so surprised.”
“She’s a woman, man. A good one too. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. Jesus.”
“Be quiet,” Gabe whispered. “Help me.”
The two men stood on either side of the woman. “Ma’am,” Gabe said. “Can you hear me?” He put two fingers to her neck, turning to Jones. “Her pulse is slow but she’s still alive.”
“Holy fuck, really? Look at all that blood. Christ.”
“For God’s sake, Jonesie. I know you’re focusing on your giant dick but you really need to learn to expand your vocabulary.”
The woman let out a soft moan, and Gabe leaned in closer. “Ma’am, can you hear me? We’re here to help you.”