I have to pry so soon after he’d been freed in the physical sense? My lips parted, the apology at the tip of my tongue when he spoke.
“Sometimes, in order to survive, you’ve got to become darker than darkness itself.” He turned his head slightly, so his profile was visible to me now. He looked sad and…ashamed. “No one could touch me in there, Charlotte. I made sure of that from the start, but…if they tried, I made them do the very thing they tried to force me to do. I punished them and set the precedent.” His tone turned sour as he added, “Figure out what I mean and then tell me you still want me.”
“I still want you,” I blurted out, desperately. I didn’t give it any thought. I didn’t know the specifics of what he made anyone endure. I didn’t know what it meant to be darker than darkness itself, but none of that eclipsed the way I felt.
He turned his head entirely to me now, his eyes rimmed red. “Then you haven’t figured it out.”
“I don’t care,” I scoffed, shaking my head as the tears fell down my face. “I don’t care, Conor, because I love you, and I waited for you, and your heart could be as black as night, it wouldn’t make a difference. Because you’re still you underneath it all.”
He swallowed hard, choking out, “I don’t feel like me, dove.”
I went to him, grasping his arm tightly as I looked up into his broken eyes. “You’re still you,” I assured him. “I feel him when you look at me. We just need to work a little harder to bring him out, so you can feel him too.”
He gave me a sad smile. “You’ve always believed in me.”
“What’s the alternative?”
“To stop.”
“I can’t do that. I’m not wired to stop when it comes to you.”
He frowned. “I’m afraid I’ll disappoint you again. I’ll disappoint Penny.”
“How can you disappoint us? You’re out, and you’re never going back there again. We’re stable here, Conor. We have time to figure it all out.”
Heavy in thought, he shook his head, looking weighed down suddenly. “It’s not that simple, dove.”
“Why?” I demanded.
He was holding back, pressing his lips together to keep from telling me. What wasn’t he saying? I bit my tongue, waiting, though I was imploring him to open up to me.
He wasn’t going to.
I sighed and pressed my head against his arm, shutting my eyes briefly. “The other night you talked about what our world would have been like if you hadn’t gone to prison. I spent a lot of time doing that too. When you went away, I was devastated and broken, and I started seeing Billy everywhere.” Conor stiffened at Billy’s name, but I didn’t stop. “I see him when my emotions are high, when things feel fucked up. I know it’s all in my head, and he doesn’t scare me, but when you were gone and it was all still so fresh, I kept getting hung up on Billy, thinking someone sent him to me that day. It really messed with my head, and I started losing touch with myself. I felt like a stranger in my body, and I was drowning in what-ifs.”
I paused, hoping he was listening carefully, and I sensed he was.
“Jem pulled me back from my darkness, and he didn’t do anything special, either. He was just…present. He was there for me. Even Locke was there for me in his own fucked up way. The guys you grew up with pulled me out of a dark hole, and I didn’t think I’d ever find the light, until I did.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is…we don’t just walk out of darkness. The light hits us slowly, and we adjust to it little by little, until we’re ready to take our first step.” I rested a hand against his cheek and stared into his vulnerable blue eyes. “I’m here for you, Conor. Present no matter what. I’m never leaving you. I’ll hold your hand through your darkness, and I’ll be there when you’re ready to step into the light again.”
His thoughts were weighing him down, I could see that there were things he wasn’t telling me. Things that were going to prevent him from adjusting to freedom.
He didn’t respond to me straightaway, but I didn’t expect a response either. I needed him to know, despite the obstacles standing in our way, I would be there for him.