He smoothed away my frown lines, kissing me again, uttering, “Char, please trust me.”
“I do trust you,” I told him.
And I did. More than anyone.
“Then trust I’m sorting this out,” he expressed. “It won’t keep me from you or Penny. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
That answer wasn’t good enough.
I took his wrist in my hand and pointed at the number there, all the while staring into his eyes. “He had a number tattooed right here, Conor. I saw it.”
Conor sighed, his shoulders slumping. He didn’t respond straightaway, and I could tell I was pushing for an answer he did not want to give.
“What’s your question, dove?” he finally asked, the emotion absent in his voice.
“What do the numbers mean?”
He shrugged. “Nothing. They’re just numbers.”
“It means you’re part of something, doesn’t it?”
He stepped back now and ran a hand through his hair, looking more and more on edge. “They’re just numbers.”
I didn’t mean to push, but I felt frustration bubble inside me. “No one just tattoos a number on someone’s wrist because it means nothing.”
“You’re pushing right now, Charlotte –”
“I’m not trying to, but a strange man just walked out of my house and he’s wearing the same kind of tattoo on his wrist, and I’m pretty curious why, Conor.”
“They’re initiation tattoos,” he retorted, face growing cold. “They stamp them when you’ve done enough shit in prison for them.”
“What did you have to do to get it?”
“Does it matter?” His response was bitter as he met my eye again. “I’m out now, and I’m not in there. I don’t want to be reminded of what I had to do, Charlotte.”
I gave him a weary look. “How are you ever meant to move on by keeping it bottled up?”
“Talking about it doesn’t erase what happened in there,” he explained, shaking his head as his eyes lost focus. “You keep talking like opening up about that wound will help overcome the trauma. That’s not what it’s always like, Charlotte. I’m running from it because confronting it does nothing but twist me up inside.”
“But what if you need it to twist you up inside at first?” I pushed. When he began shaking his head again, I added, “Running from it hasn’t helped you this far. You know how I know? Because you’re still shell-shocked. You can’t even look me in the eye when you make love to me and it’s because you’re afraid of what I’ll find when you’re stripped bare. It won’t frighten me, Conor. Believe it or not, I’ve hardened over the years…I’ve seen things…”
Now he began to pace, all that calmness coming undone as thoughts blazed behind his eyes.
I had triggered him.
Maybe I had pushed and I shouldn’t have.
I couldn’t help it. The second I saw that tattoo on Holden’s wrist, I felt something sinister brewing under the surface.
Still.
It was poor timing bringing it up.
I felt instantly guilty and started to backpedal, “It’s fine, okay? It’s fine. You’ll come out of it on your own then. I won’t push.”
But Conor was hearing none of it. He ran both hands through his hair, tugging on the ends before striding to the backyard door and sliding it open. He stepped out into the cold air and took a seat on a wooden bench just under the flaking tree.
Oh, my God, I was such an asshole.
I paced the kitchen, feeling more and more shitty.
I peered out every few minutes, studying his back to me. He hadn’t budged. His elbows were on his knees and his face was buried in his hands.
This was on me.
It was bad enough he’d had this prison douche show up and bring a ton of unwanted emotions in. He was healing, and I may as well have picked at the scab.
Taking a deep breath, I went after him, stepping out into the cold and instantly feeling the chill run up my skirt. Crossing my arms, I went to him and sat down on the bench next to him. He didn’t even acknowledge my presence.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, studying the back of his head because he wasn’t looking back at me. “I’m sorry for prying, Conor. I’m out of my depth. It’s been so long since I’ve been in this…dynamic again, I get too ahead of myself and it looks like I’m not respecting boundaries, it’s just…seeing that asshole in my kitchen frustrated me beyond belief, and then…him bringing up the girl like that, I feel like he was trying