Concealed Hearts (Hometown Jasper #4) - Nicky James Page 0,44

Ten

Tomi

“I’m telling you, I must have two dozen trays of food in my freezer. This casserole is one among many.”

We’d taken dinner out on the back porch again. Windsor had brought one of the gifted meals he’d received from one of his hopeful lady friends. It was a jambalaya rice dish of some kind with spicy sausages and loads of tomatoes, onions, and peppers.

I scraped up the last of the food off my plate. “Have you ever broken down and dated a woman?”

“Nah. I knew it wouldn’t work, and it wouldn’t be fair to string someone along like that. In the end, whoever it was would get hurt, and I’d likely lose a close friend. Belinda, for instance. She’s a doll. I couldn’t fake a romance with her just to make her happy. In the end, one or both of us would be miserable.”

“That’s fair.”

Windsor set his plate on the table and kicked his feet up on the deck railing. “How about you? Ever tried dating a woman?”

“A couple of times.”

“Really?”

I added my empty plate on top of Windsor’s and debated how to explain. “I think our reasons for hiding differ.”

“How so?”

“I don’t want to presume, but I get the feeling your bigger worry is how people in the community might react to your sexuality. You’re a public figure. Some people might not take kindly to a gay police officer. Am I right?”

“Partly. There’s more to it.”

I studied Windsor’s profile, but his gaze remained focused on the horizon, and he didn’t seem willing to divulge.

“With me, I guess it boils down to being unhappy with who I am. All my life, it’s more or less been an inability to accept I’m gay. I didn’t want to be, and I fought it for a long time.”

Windsor’s attention moved from the mountains to me. The setting sun cast a bronze glow across his face, making the scruff on his jaw look almost auburn. He’d changed out of his uniform the minute he’d returned to the cabin and was in relaxed-fit shorts and a plaid button-up which he’d left open, exposing the hard lines of his abdomen. The casual look was as appealing as the uniform. I had a hard time peeling my eyes off his broad chest.

“So, you dated women to try and make yourself straight?”

“In essence. I wanted to lead what I considered a more normal life.” I added air quotes around the last two words. “It didn’t work. Intimacy with a woman is a huge barrier I couldn’t overcome. It’s taken me a lot of years to come to terms with who I am.”

Windsor moved his feet along the railing until they rested against mine. The contact settled something inside me I didn’t know was off-balance. It was like he sensed my unease. Admitting this truth still wasn’t easy.

“Do you still hate yourself for being gay?”

I gave his question some thought so I would give him the most honest answer I could. “No. I think I’ve found acceptance. Mostly. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Relationships are a new thing for me. They fail every time, but at least I’m making an effort now. Before, I would seek out other men to get some relief, I guess. Then I’d hate myself more for my lack of self-control.” I ran my sock-covered toe along his. “I don’t hate myself any longer, but the idea of admitting it out loud is still a step I can’t fathom.”

Windsor reached across the table, offering his hand. I took it and weaved our fingers together. Of all the men I’d tried to date, Windsor was probably the only one who might understand.

“Do you wanna tell me about what happened to make you leave Jasper? I mean, I have a pretty good idea, but I’d like to hear it from you.”

I blew out a breath. “No. I want to let go of these heavy topics and enjoy the evening with you. I want to get to know Windsor Elkhart on every level. Talk to me.”

He chuckled. It was that deep sound that came from his chest and warmed me through every time I heard it. “Do you want to take a walk before it gets too dark?”

“I’d love to.”

There were less than twenty minutes of sunlight left. We wandered along the rocky ledges and through shallow valleys for a short time as we picked our way up part of the mountain. The sky changed color, and a few brighter stars shone through. Windsor talked about the town,