Cock & Bull - Laura Barnard Page 0,94

to people you’ve wronged. He’s just saying he’s sorry so he can move on with the rest of his life.

‘It’s fine, Clooney.’ I shrug. ‘I deserved it.’

He shakes his head. ‘No, you didn’t. I only acted so angrily because I was annoyed that we couldn’t be together. I wanted you, without fully letting you in and I’m sorry for that.’

‘Again, it’s fine.’ I nod. I need him to leave before I beg him to stay. I’m so weak around him. ‘It’s your own business.’ I shove my hands in my jeans pocket to stop reaching out for him.

‘No, I want you to know.’ He starts to pace, his hands in his hair. ‘I was with Orla for about a year. We were naturally coming to the end when she found out she was pregnant.’

My mouth drops open. He got her pregnant? Shit.

He stops to blow out a breath. ‘I shocked myself by being over the moon. We were going to be a little family and I couldn’t believe my luck. After all those years of being resented by my own da I was excited to become one.’

I nod, trying to look understanding, hoping he won’t stop. Like fearing moving in front of a skittish animal.

He slumps over, hands on his face. ‘She miscarried at eleven weeks.’

My heart stops beating. Oh my god. My poor Clooney.

‘The day it happened I was working in the pub. Orla rang and spoke to my da. Asked him to get me to call her urgently. It was a busy day and apparently he forgot.’

Oh my god. So this is the real reason he hates his dad so much. Why he feels so much resentment towards him.

His eyes turn glassy, tortured, as he relives the agony. ‘She went through all of that alone. Losing our baby.’

I reach out to take his hand in mine. He looks down and rubs the dove on his hand.

‘Is that… for the baby?’ I ask. I’m sure doves are a symbol of death or grief.

He nods.

‘Obviously we were heart broken.’ His chin wobbles. He blows out a slow breath, trying to compose himself. ‘But Orla was particularly bad and I blame myself for not being there. She got depressed and I tried to help her, I did, but she just… She tried to take her own life.’

‘Oh my god.’ I step closer, the overwhelming need to comfort him. No wonder he didn’t want to tell me this. I see him cut open in front of me, exposing his biggest and most painful wound.

‘Luckily I found her just in time. Her family didn’t want anyone knowing anything about it so I’ve kept it from everyone for years. When she got better she decided she needed a fresh start. Away from me. She said every time she looked at me I reminded her of all she’d lost.’

That is heart breaking.

‘Clooney, I’m so sorry.’ I step into his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist.

Here I’ve been thinking he’s been holding back, but really it wasn’t all of his secret to tell. He was protecting Orla. Orla and their unborn baby.

He scoffs a laugh, his chest vibrating under me. ‘I’ve spent my life being resented by my dad because I look like my mum and then the woman I loved said she couldn’t look at me anymore.’

‘None of that was your fault.’ I press my face into his chest, praying he believes my words. ‘You realise that, right?’

He shrugs. ‘Anyway, I suppose I went into a type of depression too. I just went kind of numb. When I placed my first bet I felt the first bit of life coming back into my body. Feeling alive again was addictive, and I didn’t want to lose it. Not like we lost our baby.’

He wraps his arms around me hugging me back, squeezing so hard I struggle to take a breath.

‘I’m so sorry I forced this out of you, Clooney. I should have been more understanding.’

He leans back to look down at me, his green eyes imploring mine. ‘No, you were right. You needed to know. I want you to know.’

I look down at his forearms. ‘Will you tell me what your other tattoos mean?’

He smiles. ‘Actually one of them is pretty special. You see these mountains and lake?’

I nod. ‘Yeah, it looks like our lake.’

‘It is our lake. I didn’t tell anyone but whenever I felt ridiculously down I’d come here, sit on the pier and think things through. Breda found me once. She was