Cock & Bull - Laura Barnard Page 0,51

any voices today at the funeral home. Wow, I was wrong. As soon as I got into work, I heard Eamon. Eamon is a chatter. An annoying chatter. He won’t bloody stop. Begging me to do him a favour. Only, this is a bloody massive favour that I have no intention of doing.

You see, Eamon’s told me that he had an affair with his next-door neighbour for the last fifteen years. Yeah, just dropped that massive bombshell on me. Like it was nothing. Well Eamon wants me to announce to everyone at his funeral that he’s been having this affair and that he wants to come clean before passing over.

Like that would go down well. He has no idea.

I’ve been to the toilet about fifteen times to try and reason with him. Niall and Seamus are bound to think I have the shits, but it’s not like I can talk back to him in front of them. I’d be wheeled off to a looney bin in a strait jacket.

The drive to the church is tense, but for some reason Eamon has kept quiet. Maybe I’ve lost him. I hope so. Obviously I haven’t been trusted to drive the hearse since the incident.

Patricia still hasn’t mentioned the CCTV of me head-butting that corpse. I’m hoping it’s because she hasn’t seen it and not because she’s scared to approach me.

The hardest thing about this job is looking sad all the time. Seeing friends and family of the deceased is depressing as hell, but sometimes, just because I know I can’t, I feel the intense urge to break into giggles.

That would get me locked up for sure.

Seamus, Niall and the other undertakers take the coffin out of the hearse while I tell the friends and family to take their seats in the church. Six nervous men take the coffin and carry it in, to the sounds of Hallelujah.

‘Ah, I wanted Gone Too Soon by Michael Jackson,’ Eamon says in my ear. I nearly jump out of my skin it’s so loud and sudden, but I manage to school my face back to impassive.

The coffin is carried to the front by men from his family and laid down. I stay stood at the back with Seamus and Niall, hands crossed in front of me, as I’ve been taught.

The priest starts his mass. That’s when Eamon starts again.

‘Please,’ he begs. ‘You have no idea the guilt I feel seeing her grieve for me like this.’

‘I’m not doing it,’ I whisper hiss. Niall turns to look at me with his eyebrows raised in questioning. I smile back as reassuringly as I can.

‘You know I won’t leave this world until everyone knows the truth. I hope you’re happy for me to be haunting you for the rest of your life.’

I look heavenwards. ‘Why do you want them to know?’ I whisper, attempting to cover it with a cough.

Seamus side eyes me.

‘Because my wife is devastated. Its far better for her to be angry at me than to mourn me like she is.’

I suppose I do see his reasoning, but either way I’m not disrupting this funeral. I’ll be fired first and foremost. Secondly, and possibly worst, the entire town will think I’m nuts. I know from Seamus and Niall that they have a grown-up son and two little granddaughters. This would break all of their hearts.

‘I can see the light. I don’t know if I’ll be offered it again.’

Oh, for fucks sakes.

‘Go towards it,’ I whisper hiss under my breath.

‘I can’t. Not until the truth is out. Ah well, where do you live? I’m sure we’ll be quite happy together.’

The thought of this Chatty Cathy living with me permanently has me walking forward before I have time to reason with myself. A few people turn to look at me, but quickly lose disinterest. Must think I’m going to the toilet or something.

‘That’s it, girl,’ Eamon encourages. ‘Now all the way to the front.’

I go to move but stop myself. I can’t do this. What the hell am I thinking? This is madness.

‘Remember, I’ll be here every day and night until you decide to tell my wife.’

Hmm, it would still be better for me to tell her tomorrow, away from the prying eyes of the entire funeral procession. Yes, I’ll tell her tomorrow.

‘If you don’t do it now, I’ll just go into your body.’

‘What?’ I whisper.

‘That’s right. I’ll possess your body and do it. It’ll be a shame if they think you’re the devil incarnate and lock you