Cock & Bull - Laura Barnard

Chapter One

‘You’ve been left your great aunt’s Cock and Bull.’

I look at my younger sister Ella. She seems just as confused as me as she stares back at the solicitor with her head tipped to one side, lips pursed.

She left us cock and bull. So nothing? No that can’t be right, solicitors are normally posh, not people to use Cockney rhyming slang.

‘Sorry?’ I ask, blinking far too much. ‘So... nothing?’

It would make sense. We never even knew Great Aunt Breda until we were called to attend her will reading. According to Dad, the only thing he’s heard about her was that she had loads of cats.

In a way I’m relieved.

Me and Ella have half been expecting to be told we’ve inherited them. I’ve always been more of a dog person.

The reader smirks. ‘No, I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. You have inherited the Cock and Bull public house in Ballykielty, Ireland.’

Public house? Ireland?

‘You mean like a pub?’ Ella shrieks, her hand over her mouth in over-played shock. She starts bouncing up and down in her seat. Chill out drama queen. ‘Are you seriously telling me we just inherited a fucking pub?’

I cringe. Why did she have to swear in front of this guy? The reader leans back in his chair, barely concealing his horror as he twiddles nervously with his spectacles. ‘Yes. That’s correct.’

We’ve inherited a pub? How bloody awesome is that? Not that we have time to run one. God, I barely have time to straighten my hair these days, let alone take on a business. But we can sell it! Me and Ella have been talking about buying a flat together for years, but with me surviving on temp jobs and her being a flighty fairy, it’s never been realistic. Still, I’ve managed to scrimp and save a decent amount, not that it would get us anything in or around London. With the sale of an unexpected pub, we might actually be able to get a deposit together now. This is amazing news!

‘Wow.’ I gasp out loud as endless opportunities rush through my head.

Ella looks to me, her dark brown eyes bright with excitement. Calm down Lassie.

‘We’re obviously selling it,’ I tell her and then turn back to the reader to ask, ‘Has it been valued by a local estate agent yet?’

I’m already wondering how much it might be worth. If its anything like the house prices here, we’re gonna be loaded.

He clears his throat, adjusting himself in his seat. ‘Well...’

‘Well?’ Ella chirps. ‘Well what? Spit it out boyo.’

I roll my eyes. Who says boyo?

He avoids meeting our gaze, his neck reddening. ‘I’m afraid that your great aunt tried to sell it, but to no avail.’

What the hell is wrong with it?

‘To no avail?’ Ella gasps. ‘What does that mean?’

God, she’s dumb. If she wasn’t my little sister I don’t know if I’d put up with it. Sometimes it feels like there’s more than a two year age gap between us.

‘It means it won’t sell,’ I snap, my tone sharp. I turn back to the solicitor. ‘How long has it been up for sale?’

He grimaces. ‘Three years.’

I spit out my badly made cup of tea. ‘Three bloody years? How awful are we talking here?’

Surely if it were in any way decent, a property developer would have snapped it up? Three years? Really?

He looks through some papers. ‘Its turnover has been pretty dire previous to this. If I’m honest it looks like your great aunt simply gave up, closed up the doors, and put it up for sale. I’m guessing due to her old age.’

That sounds sad. She must have been so depressed right before she died. And with having no family, apart from us, the poor cow must have been desperate for company. I feel ridiculously mournful for the family member I’ve never met, who must have withered away slowly, day by day, by herself.

‘So if we can’t sell it, what can we do?’ Ella asks, glancing around, her attention span already maxed to the limit.

‘It’s up to you.’ He looks to me, obviously realising I’m the decision maker. ‘You could simply leave it to rot, but I personally think that would be such a waste.’

‘Surely someone will want to buy it?’ I ask. I’m nothing if not optimistic.

He frowns, leaning over his desk, pressing his fingers together. ‘With the state it’s in I doubt it. But you do of course have the option of trying to turn it around yourself. It could help the sale.’

‘Run a pub?’ Ella shrieks, fist