same time the front door opens. Easton enters with paper grocery bags nestled into his arms and looks between us with concern etched into his face as he kicks the door closed.
I just shake my head at him.
He presses his lips together and nods once, disappearing into the kitchen. I sit on the couch with Ainsley hugging the life out of me, and I absorb the pain and hurt in any way I can. I pepper kisses on her forehead, brush my fingers through her hair, and let her cry.
Sometimes we need that, to be held while our feelings show. For a long time after the accident I let the tears aid me to sleep at night while I thought about Danny, about the past, about how unfair life is. I used to think I was weak for letting myself feel too much, crying into my pillow to soak up the desperate sounds until my body forced itself to shut down. Listening to Ainsley, this beautiful little girl, I realize it’s not weakness at all. We just chose to be strong for too long until our hearts needed a break.
“I miss him too, baby girl.” My words are breathed into the top of her head, the smell of her lavender shampoo wafting around me. “Your father was such a wonderful man, and the best dad to you. He loved you so, so much. So did your mother.” She tightens her hold, burying her face into my now-damp shirt. “You know, I remember the day your daddy told me they were expecting you. The light in his eyes was one I’d never seen before. He loved you from the second he knew about you, and I…”
That day, I’d felt something deep inside of me that I was ashamed of. I felt anger. I felt envy. I felt a mix of horrible things that faded with time as I watched them prepare for Ainsley. Every update he told me, every image he showed me, the nursery they’d built from scratch. The love he had for his daughter and wife couldn’t be beat, and I’d known it. It’d chipped at those ill feelings and turned them into different ones, lighter ones. While I still held onto jealousy that ate at my conscience, it was only because I couldn’t feel the same thing that I’d witnessed them experience.
Love. Unconditional, honest love.
“I just miss him so much too,” I finish in a whisper that breaks. I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment to stop a tear from sliding out. Once I’ve collected myself, I take a deep breath and open my eyes. From the corner of my gaze, I see Easton leaning against the archway staring at us.
He heard the entire thing.
He sees my heartbreak.
What else does he see?
When he realizes I’ve caught him looking, he pushes himself off the wall. “Want me to make dinner?”
I glance at Ainsley, then back at him. “I started to boil water. I was going to make some sort of pasta.”
“Spaghetti?”
“Sure.”
“I have stuff to make mac and cheese.”
That gets Ainsley’s attention. She peels herself away from me, eyes red and cheeks flushed, and blinks between me and Easton.
I manage to smile. “I think macaroni and cheese is exactly what we need tonight. Do you need any help?”
He shakes his head and hesitates like he wants to say something. His eyes go to Ainsley, his brows furrowing in the slightest way, but then he nods to himself and heads back into the kitchen.
I listen to him moving around, clattering pans, and opening the refrigerator, all while Ainsley settles back into me. I tell her about Danny and her mom, how they met and fell in love in the same day. Danny was shy, Willow was not. The couple was one anybody would envy when they went out and showed how genuine their kind of love was.
And it makes me feel like scum, but I’ve long since accepted that I’m human—a human with feelings. Feelings that went unrequited for as long as I could remember.
But the bitterness that was there before no longer resonates. It doesn’t burn me or choke me at night when I sleep. There are no haunting thoughts that plague my conscience when my mind stops being distracted by everyday tasks.
I blow out a deep breath.
God, I’d always love Daniel McCray. But for once, I don’t think I’m in love with him. The thought alone lifts a one-ton weight off my chest and allows me to breathe