Christmas for Beginners - Carole Matthews Page 0,110

me tight and rocks me. I let out all the emotion that’s been building up over the past month or so and cry my heart out. I should be able to turn to Shelby and am saddened to think that I can’t.

‘You will have another baby,’ Bev insists as she lets me go. ‘But next time it will be right. This little one obviously wasn’t mean to be.’

It doesn’t make me feel any better.

‘Go and get a shower,’ Bev says. ‘I’ll pop your things in the washing machine.’

‘Thanks, Bev.’

She touches my arm. ‘Will you tell Shelby?’

‘No,’ I say. ‘You’re the only one who knows.’

I head for the shower and let the hot water soothe me. I stay under the jets for as long as I can, eyes closed, trying to count my blessings. I’m young, relatively, healthy and I am loved. That’s more than many people can say.

Bev is still waiting when I come out, clean and dressed again. The kettle has just boiled which makes me smile. Tea, the answer to everything.

‘You’ll be all right,’ she says.

‘I will.’ It makes me think that I would like another chance to have a baby, but not like this, not now. If I want to try for a child, then I should discuss it properly with Shelby. The next year or more we should concentrate on Lucas and his needs. There’s no doubt that he’ll require a lot of support. I can get my baby fix that way. Plus, if we think about a child, then it should be when Shelby is back from Los Angeles. All very rational, but it doesn’t stop my heart from breaking.

‘Go and have a sleep,’ Bev says. ‘Alan and I will sort the kids out today.’

‘Sure you can manage?’

‘Yeah. They’re all in good spirits today, so there are no problems.’

‘Don’t speak too soon,’ I say.

‘I did have my fingers crossed when I said it.’ Bev turns me towards the bedroom and instructs, ‘Bed.’

‘OK.’

So I go to lie down and, within minutes, sleep takes me.

It’s dark outside when I wake up and, for a moment, I’m completely disorientated. As I’m not usually in bed at this time of day, it takes time to work out where I am and why I’m here. Then it hits me again, but not quite so hard. Beneath the sadness, there’s a kernel of acceptance.

‘It wasn’t our time,’ I whisper out loud and hope that the baby can hear me.

Then there’s a soft knock at the door and Bev pokes her head round it. ‘Came to check on you, chick.’

‘I’m fine,’ I say and I know that, in time, I will be.

‘I’ve got some visitors for you.’ On cue, the three dogs barrel in and bounce onto the bed to lick me to death. They act as if they haven’t seen me for at least three years and the cuddles of an excited doggy can soothe even the weariest of souls.

I push them off for a second so that I prop myself up and Bev comes to sit on the bed next to me.

‘The kids have gone, the animals are fed and I’ve walked the dogs – not that you’d know from the state of them. It’s impossible to tire this lot out, even the one with three legs.’

‘You’re an angel.’

‘Try to have a quiet night. If you don’t feel like work tomorrow, we can all cope. Stay in bed.’

But she knows me better than that.

‘I mean it!’

‘Physically, I’m all right.’ Emotionally, it will take a little longer.

‘You should still go and see the doctor.’

‘Yes.’ But we both know that I won’t. ‘Has Lucas come back yet?’

‘Haven’t seen him all day,’ Bev says.

‘I’m taking that as a good sign.’ I hope that he and Aurora are enjoying some much-needed time together and are making plans for their future. That obviously doesn’t stop me from fretting about him. I’ll give him a call in a while to see what he’s up to. I notice on my phone that Shelby has messaged me, but I can’t reply to him now, not yet.

‘I’ve checked your fridge and you’ve got stuff in for dinner. Do you want me to knock something together?’

‘I can manage. Really. I’ll just potter.’

‘Well, if you’re sure I can’t do anything, then I’ll be off.’ She looks reluctant to leave. ‘You know where I am. Call me and I’ll be back in five minutes.’

‘I know. Thanks.’

When Bev goes, I lie in bed, surrounded by dogs, letting my mind mull over all that’s