Christmas for Beginners - Carole Matthews Page 0,106
in the expansive sky, the dark solitude. I don’t know what Hollywood’s like, but I know that I’d never want to leave here to try it.
‘Say something,’ he urges. ‘What do you think?’
‘Lucas would stay here?’
‘Yes, yes. If he wants to.’ He stuffs his hands deep into his pockets. ‘I know he’s doing well with his course and he loves it here. I don’t want to cause him any disruption.’ I don’t point out that there’s more than enough disruption coming Lucas’s way. ‘You’re happy for him to live with you?’
‘Of course.’ I don’t know how Lucas will handle his father going to Los Angeles. He’ll be furious, of course, but when Shelby is here, Lucas doesn’t want him interfering. How am I going to tiptoe my way through this minefield?
‘I’ll make a proper arrangement to pay you for his upkeep. You won’t have to worry about money. The pay cheque is also very flattering.’
‘You already do so much for us.’ Financially, Shelby really looks after us and, now that we have some more fundraising ideas in place, I’m hoping we won’t have to be so reliant on him.
He turns and puts his hands on my arms. ‘I’m not turning my back on you,’ he says. ‘I promise.’
‘I love you,’ I tell him, frankly. I’m not a great one for expressions of emotion, but I do love him. I love him for who he is as a man, not as an actor or a Hollywood star. I’d be happier if none of that was in our lives, but that’s who he is.
‘I know that things haven’t been easy recently,’ he says. ‘I should have discussed this with you. It’s the meetings that have kept me from coming back, but I wanted to be sure. I didn’t want it all to come to nothing and worry you unnecessarily.’
‘I thought that you might have been seeing one of your younger, prettier, less animal-mad colleagues,’ I confess.
‘No, never.’ He looks at me, dismayed. ‘Did you really think that of me?’
‘To be honest, I didn’t know what to think.’
He takes me into his arms. ‘This will be a temporary measure. If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere.’
‘That’s New York,’ I remind him. ‘Even I know that.’
‘Ah, yes.’ A wry smile. ‘Do I have your blessing? It would mean everything to me.’
‘If that’s what you really want to do, then you should go.’ How can I hold him back?
‘I’ll return to England as often as I can.’
‘I’ll make sure you do,’ I say.’ But if he hardly managed to visit from Birmingham, in reality how often will that be? ‘When will you go?’
‘Straight after Christmas. They start filming imminently. That’s if we get the paperwork sorted. It’s not a done deal quite yet. Until there’s ink on a contract, these things can slip through your fingers.’
That’s how I feel too. It seems as if Shelby is slipping through my fingers. I don’t think I can keep him here on the farm. It’s my love, not his.
Chapter Seventy
We walk back to the caravan. ‘Shall I tell Lucas?’ Shelby asks.
‘It’s probably better if I do,’ I say. ‘It’s been a long day. Now really isn’t the best time.’
I can’t cope with any more emotion. All I need is to put my feet up.
I feed the dogs in the yard and decided to banish them for the night. They’ll be fine snuggled up in the barn. Not quite as cosy as my bedroom, but it won’t hurt them for once. Reluctantly, I turn off the Christmas tree lights. The tree looks so beautiful that I can’t bear for it to fall into darkness. I click the switch. Until tomorrow.
However, I do leave the lights on that Lucas has strung around the caravan which is still a bright little spot. I like these so much I might leave them on all year round.
We phone for a takeaway and, eventually, it arrives. Lucas joins us, but it’s a subdued affair. I don’t ask in front of Shelby, but I’m pretty certain that he hasn’t been able to speak to Aurora. He’d be a lot cheerier if he had. It was a shame she missed his performance today. I love to hear Lucas’s poems and it’s a rare occasion when he deigns to read them in public.
After dinner, Lucas beats a hasty retreat to his bedroom. Shelby and I cuddle up on the sofa. The windows are steamed up and I close the curtains, shutting out the