would never go back to. After what happened in The Hamptons, I ran away trying to control the situation myself. There was no way I would listen to you or anyone, for that matter. That night I was at the restaurant with Julian, I knew he wasn’t the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and it pained me because I wished I did at the time. It would have made life easier. It was always you, Lex… but then you said it was over, and the pregnancy threw everything off. I lied to you because I thought if I hurt you enough, you would leave me alone. I was so scared… that it was déjà vu… this baby… and I knew I couldn’t bear to lose it, so I did what I knew I had to do. I reached out to Dr. Edwards again. He was the only one who knew, and once again, he taught me that no matter what happens, I’m able to control my destiny. I need to fight hard for what I want. I want this baby, our baby, and I want you, Lex.”
As I sit there staring at this tiny tombstone, the little inscription confirming my son lay resting there asleep, I reach out to touch it, my hands shaking as I run my fingers across the words. I close my eyes, ensuring I’m memorizing every letter, the way it feels beneath my fingertips, wanting some desperate connection with this child who was ours.
I repeat my actions, wanting something, a sign, and suddenly, in the cold, harsh night in the middle of this cemetery, a gush of warmth runs through me. I focus on it. It’s undeniable the way it makes my goosebumps disappear, the way I suddenly feel at peace like a hand resting on mine. My eyes spring open only to see Charlotte has hers on the ground, and nothing is surrounding my hand. There is no other way to explain it, and I don’t realize a tear has escaped until the salty liquid falls upon my lips. I’ve never cried. I don’t ever remember crying since I was a kid, but this emotion is overwhelming in ways I can never imagine possible.
Charlotte shuffles closer to me, placing a kiss on the corner of my mouth to wash away the lonesome tear.
“You felt it, too?”
I nod, afraid yet at peace with whatever it was that happened.
“It’s him, he’s done this before, you know, told me he’s okay. He is being taken care of. This is the only reason I was able to live my life. To place trust in God that this little boy lives on, and that although he is not here with us, he’s still loved and is in a happy place.”
I pull her into my arms, holding her close to my chest as we continue to sit on the cold ground. My hands move their way to her stomach where I caress our baby… our second baby. And while it was only moments ago I was grieving for this child I had no idea existed, I hold onto Charlotte tight, almost as if by holding her, I’m protecting this unborn child, praying it will be given the chance its older brother didn’t have.
“Lex… I’m scared…” she cries softly.
I move her hair aside, planting a soft kiss on her neck.
“Don’t be afraid. I’m sorry, Charlotte, more than you can imagine, for everything you went through alone. I can’t even begin to put myself in your shoes, but I understand now. These scars that were all over your heart, your soul, I promise you that I will love you and that no measure of time will change that. I promise to spend the rest of my life mending these scars until they are healed, and no matter what happens… whatever life will throw at us, we will get through this together. Just you and me forever.”
She nestles into my neck, and in this darkness, I have never felt so secure. I have never wanted anything more in my life. We have created this family. This is us, this is our family, all four of us united.
Relaxing my shoulders, I close my eyes with a calm smile. I find the strength within me, and with this strength, I promise to protect my family for as long as I shall live. The world can fall apart around us, but as long as I have Charlotte, nothing else matters.