The MC announces it’s time for the bouquet to be thrown. The single ladies wait in a bunch on the dance floor. A few are pushing each other for front position, causing me to break out into a fit of hysterics as Eric and Erin begin arguing. Eric isn’t shy to throw himself amongst a bunch of hungry women for the sake of the bouquet.
After Eric catches wind of Erin wanting Lex, he has a vendetta against her. He’s been calling her a hick-town hoe all night and giving her dirty stares from across the dance floor.
Adriana stands at the front and, after two fake attempts, throws the bouquet. It lands perfectly in the arms of Kate. With a look of shock, I walk over to her while laughing.
“I’m glad it was you.”
“Oh, dear Lord, marriage? Please, I’m still trying to work my way up to platinum hoochie, and besides, I don’t even have anyone on the radar.”
“Well, now that Charlie’s off the table, you are my backup,” Eric reminds her. “Remember, you said if we aren’t married by forty, we’ll marry each other and have blissful sex with other people, but I expect you to cook for me every night, and… what was I supposed to do again?”
“Buy a toolbox and learn how to fix stuff around the apartment,” Kate tells him.
Eric cringes. “Oh, that’s right, but can I get a blinged-out tool belt like the one I sent to you from the Tools-R-Us catalog?”
“Eric, that catalog was full of dildos and God knows what the other shit was called.”
“Oh, did you buy the one with the gold sparkles?”
“Yes… and the pink one, too. Well, it was a two-for-one sale.” Kate laughs.
“Oh, I’ve missed you guys!” I pull them both into an embrace, happy that even though my life will soon be overwhelmed with a baby, Eric and Kate have found one another.
“Stupid hick-town whore stood on my Gucci loafers,” Eric complains, pulling away.
“I thought she was a hoe?”
“She upgraded to whore when I caught her mauling that redhead dude in the corner.”
“Isn’t that her cousin?” I ask.
Eric and Kate laugh in unison. “Ohhh, naaassty…”
“Well, stupid hick-town whore had her eyes on my husband.”
“Husband?” Eric gasps, his eyes widening. “Charlie, are you telling porksies?”
“Eric, it’s porkies,” Kate corrects him.
“No, I’m not telling porkies which, by the way, have you suddenly turned into a British gay man? We got married,” I tell him.
“Shut the front door… but not the back. Back Door Betty is back in style. Wait, my God, are you kidding me? When? How?” Eric spurts a million questions before turning to Kate. “And why didn’t you tell me if you knew?”
“Because it’s not my business to tell. I’m no big-mouth Betty.”
“Guys, seriously, who cares?” I say, trying to ease the conversation away from Kate not divulging any information to Eric. “Point is… hick-town hoe needs to hoe on out and stop eyeing my husband.”
I feel his arms wrap around my waist, the graze of his lips against my neck. “Who had their eyes on your man?”
Kate and Eric stare at us with stupid shit-eating grins on their faces. They hold onto each other just watching both of us. It’s borderline creepy.
“Erin, the wedding whore,” I tell him, not ashamed by my colorful choice of words. “Also known as Elijah’s cousin.”
“Oh, her… yeah, I’ve met her.”
“When you say met, do you mean fucked?”
“Charlie!” Eric covers his mouth in shock before turning to face Lex with a serious expression. “Well, did you?”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”
I squeeze him tight, very happy with his answer.
Eric is quick to pipe up. “I bet her ferret is like a wizard’s sleeve. I’m sure I heard it whistle when she walked.”
We all break into laughter, even Lex who’s no longer immune to Eric’s verbal diarrhea.
It’s close to midnight when the music finally stops, and Adriana and Elijah prepare to say their goodbyes. I pull Lex aside. It’s now or never.
“Lex… I need to do this now.”
“Do what?” he asks, concerned.
“I need to tell you… show you… I need to finally let this go.”
He doesn’t ask another question, nodding his head before Adriana and Elijah make their rounds and say goodbye. After lots of hugs, a few tears, and well wishes, we both slip out of the hall and hop into my car Rocky had driven to the reception hall.
It’s late, but I need to set this free. I want to wake up