Lex flew to London for two weeks, only returning yesterday. I’ve yet to see him, the only reason I know he landed was the ever-so-warm text simply stating, landed.
I keep myself busy with the black and white gala our firm is hosting in conjunction with a cancer charity. Nikki and Eric came up with the idea, and by some miracle, they managed to get Adriana involved.
Adriana is far from being her normal self, but slowly, she’s starting to function as a human being again. She’s been over twice this week, so Andy and Amelia can play. We chat briefly, and she even eats some lunch, a huge step forward in my eyes as her thin frame worries me.
The realization that life will never be the same is the biggest hurdle our family is struggling to come to terms with. Whenever I can, I try to help lessen the burden for Adriana, but all it does is mask my own pain.
My own family, as I know it, has fallen apart, and nothing I say or do seems to fix it. Work and Amelia are all I focus on. I don’t have a choice in the matter. Work demands don’t stop because my marriage is failing, and opening a new office brings on a new type of workload forcing me to hire more staff.
And, of course, my daughter is my world needing the most attention. Amelia deserves a mother, and that’s what I concentrate on being despite her father being a complete and utter asshole.
Rocky and Nikki have planned to fly in tomorrow with Will. I welcome the presence of more family praying they will help me make some tough decisions weighing heavily on my mind.
Thankfully, Emily being the fantastic woman she is, offers to babysit all the kids tomorrow night, so we can enjoy the event.
The saddest part to all of this, I have to send Lex an invite via his new assistant, Montana.
Don’t even get me fucking started on that.
I lay in bed, wide awake, listening to the sound of my breathing. It’s slow, almost stopping momentarily, followed by a tightness inside my chest. I turn to face the clock noticing it’s just after two in the morning. Lights hover over the window, the engine of a car turning off.
Lex never called or texted to say he would be late. Instead, I worry, but more so, my insecurity drives me to madness. My imagination conjures up multiple scenarios, all involving a certain assistant.
I close my eyes, pretending to be asleep as he crawls into bed. I’m surprised he chose to even sleep beside me, given he has opted for our guest room on more than one occasion.
As he settles, I ask him of his whereabouts, not surprised he chooses to make up some excuse about meetings. Rather than arguing, I express my worry only for him to respond by being a complete asshole. He turns over with his back toward me, switching the lamp off, and with every morsel in my body, I hold back the tears.
This moment cements what our marriage has become. And in the dark of the night, the truth unfolds, and I have nothing left in me to fight. There is only one way to carry on, and only one way to stop the hurt and pain killing me slowly, I have to serve him with divorce papers.
For the sake of our daughter, I can’t allow our toxic marriage to affect how we raise her in this world.
I wake the next morning to find him at the breakfast table with Amelia sitting in her highchair. They are laughing, and I can’t help but notice how happy he is, his eyes sparkling again, but the moment he sees me standing in the doorway, his demeanor changes. He becomes cold and distant. If I knew what I had done, then this would be easier to deal with, but like every time we have been in the same room, the sharp knife is stabbing me every which way I turn, the bleeding impossible to stop.
“I have the black-tie event tonight for my firm. Will you still be able to make it?”
“I said I would, didn’t I?” he responds coldly.
Refusing to entertain his behavior toward me, I work in silence, void of emotion as I pack my things for the day. Emily offers to take Amelia early as there will be no chance for me to stop at all.