Chasing Rainbows A Novel - By Long, Kathleen Page 0,22

and shock I fought to control might explode, and I didn’t want to scar the poor kid for life.

He stood, frozen to the spot, clutching the basket as I launched my numb body toward my front door. The last thing I heard as I pushed the door shut behind me was his mother’s voice. “Just one, honey.”

I flicked off the light, threw on the deadbolt, and sank to my knees in the middle of the foyer.

Divorce papers. On Halloween.

How could he?

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been in that position when the phone rang, but it took a few rings before I could make my knees cooperate with my brain’s desire to stand up.

When Ryan said hello, I realized I’d been sucked into one of those Halloween thrillers where the villain never dies. The kind where you think the bad guy has inflicted all the damage he possibly can, only to find he’s reared his ugly head one more time.

“Bernie?” Ryan’s voice filtered across the line as if this were a day like any other, and not the day he’d chosen to have me served with the papers signaling the end of our marriage.

“Don’t you Bernie me.” I growled the words, startling myself with the intensity of my tone.

“Oh.” Ryan grew silent for several long seconds. “I wanted to give you a heads-up.”

I laughed--a tiny, bitter burst of breath. “Perfect timing, as usual.”

“I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, even though I knew he couldn’t see me, blinking back tears as I struggled to find the words I wanted to say to him.

“I don’t think you’re sorry at all. I think you’re probably ready to dance with joy.”

“Bernie--”

“No,” I interrupted him. “You don’t get to talk. Not now. Not ever. Just leave me alone.”

“I wanted to make sure you’re all right.”

Disbelief welled inside me and I pressed my lips together, hoping the move would somehow stem the sound of my anguish before I spoke. “You should have thought of that before you cheated on me.”

Silence stretched between us, and I was just about to hang up when he delivered his parting shot. “I know this is a tough week for both of us. I’ll be thinking about you.”

A tough week.

Emma’s birthday.

“I hate you.” I hung up the phone and stared at it for a long time, suddenly unable to cry. Too stunned to react in any way, shape or form.

I hate you.

I did hate him. I hated him for cheating instead of telling me he was unhappy. I hated him for not giving me a chance, for not giving us a chance. I hated him for falling in love with someone else. I hated him for being able to have a child without me.

I hated him for leaving me behind.

I thought of Emma and wondered how different our lives might have been if she’d survived.

That’s when my heart broke.

Again.

o0o

After Ryan’s call, I had every intention of eating the leftover Halloween candy. Then I remembered I’d given the entire basket to the tiny fireman. I cracked open my front door to see if he’d left anything behind, but there was no trace of the basket or the chocolate.

I imagined his mommy at home, crafting the perfect autumn centerpiece out of my attempt at fashionable candy distribution while she ate my chocolate.

I walked to the calendar I kept in the kitchen and flipped it open. There it was.

November third.

Emma would have been five.

Damn.

Every year, the date sneaked up on me like a car that broadsided me just when I thought the coast was clear. Last year I’d swore it wouldn’t happen again. I’d swore I’d be ready.

I must have forgotten to check the side view mirror.

In the five years since Emma was born, some of the details had faded. I’d always thought every moment of every day of her life would stay forever embedded in my mind, but they hadn’t. I wasn’t sure if that made me a horrible person, or an even more horrible mother. Yet, some things were still as vivid as if they’d just happened.

Our next door neighbor and I had been pregnant at the same time. She’d delivered a healthy baby girl a few days after we’d buried Emma.

I could still picture the ten-foot stork anchored into the line between our properties.

I didn’t begrudge our neighbors their happiness, but I couldn’t help but think fate had a pretty dark sense of humor.

On the day I’d decided to drag Emma’s crib out to the garage, our neighbors brought their daughter home