Chasing Him - Kat T. Masen Page 0,48

to have my family and friends who help me out so much.”

“Anytime you need us, we’re here.”

“I know.” I pat Penny’s arm. “And then there’s Lex and Charlie. I love my brother. He has always had my back, sacrificed so much for me. And this is how I’m repaying him?”

“You can’t always control who you love. God knows I can’t.”

“I feel guilty all the time, and the only time it subsides is when I’m intimate with Julian, and my body is possessed.”

“Have you told him this?”

I shake my head. “It will come across all wrong. I can’t think straight when I’m with him. He does things to me, Penny, things I’ve never experienced before, and it scares me.”

“But in a good way?” she asks.

“In a great way.”

“So, don’t fight it. You’ve got a man who makes your toes curl to the point you can’t function without him. God only knows you deserve someone like him.”

“But I feel so guilty that… oh, never mind.” I can’t even be honest with myself, let alone with Penny.

Andy comes barreling out of the house pulling Julian along with him. Tugging on my arm, he begs for my attention. “Mama! Blaze’s daddy wants to go visit the pond. Please, can we go?”

“Julian can take you, and I’ll meet you down there.”

Julian happily agrees and follows Andy. I watch them walk away, Julian holding Andy’s hand as they make their way down the hill toward the small pond. Blaze and Ash are excited to be in each other’s company, chasing their tails in endless circles.

Penny poses a question. “What do you want, girl? You want a father for Andy?”

“He has one, Penny. He just isn’t here. I want Julian.”

“So, have him. He adores you. You gotta see that.”

“But look at him. He can have any woman he wants, why me?”

“So, let me get this straight. A beautiful man worships the ground you walk on, fucks you to oblivion, and you have to question why. Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

“It’s hard to feel secure when the one man you loved gave up on you,” I mumble.

We remain quiet, Penny fiddling with her hoop earrings as we both watch them down by the pond.

“He cares deeply for you. I mean, every time he talks about you—”

“Julian talks about me?”

“All the time,” she reaffirms.

“What does he say?”

“Just this and that.”

“Hey, what about girl code? C’mon, tell me.” I try to persuade the information out of her.

“I promised I wouldn’t tell, but let’s just say you complete him.” She smiles.

“I complete him?”

She nods. I stare out into the pond, watching Julian sit beside Andy as they throw bread at the ducks. I excuse myself from Penny and make my way down to spend some time with them. My footsteps are faint, and I stop not too far behind and listen to their conversation.

“That big duck’s name is Fatty, and that’s his daddy over there.”

Julian chuckles, allowing Andy to continue talking.

“Do you know my daddy works in heaven?”

“I do know that. Heaven is a very special place. I have a friend who works there, too.”

“Do you think your friend has seen my daddy?”

“Maybe. It’s a very big place.”

Andy turns his head to face Julian. “Have you seen my daddy?”

“A very long time ago. He looks just like you, kid.” Julian ruffles Andy’s hair.

“Daddy gone makes Mama cry. I don’t like Mama crying.”

A lump forms in my throat. Andy had seen me cry several times. I never realized how my emotions impact him thinking that because he’s young, he won’t understand.

“It’s okay for your mama to cry. She just needs extra special hugs.”

“I like giving hugs. Uncle Lex always hugs Mama when she cries.”

I make a small sound causing both of them to turn around. Julian smiles reassuringly as I sit on the other side of Andy. Andy begins to talk about the ducks telling us the story about the family. Jesus, my kid can talk for hours. Julian doesn’t mind, though, asking questions Andy loves to answer.

“Mama, can I ask Hazel for some chocolate chip cookies?”

I nod, and without a goodbye, he runs back up the hill. I watch him until he is safely in Hazel’s arms again.

“He likes to talk,” Julian says.

“Much like me?”

“Like mother, like son.”

The ducklings are swimming behind their mother, and I watch in merriment as they nibble on the leftover bread floating on the water. “It’s beautiful here.”

“You’re beautiful here,” he says.

I rest my head on his shoulder. Underneath our legs, he entwines his