Chasing Him - Kat T. Masen Page 0,21
would still be with her, probably married and with babies.”
“What kind of a question is that?” he asks, annoyed. “It’s like me saying to you if Elijah didn’t die, you would still be with him.”
“I just—” I stumble on my words. “Never mind.”
“You can’t just say never mind, Miss Always-Has-Something-To-Say. Life happens. Charlie isn’t mine, and that boat has long sailed. The only person I want is the one person who keeps bringing that boat and my mistakes back.” He takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. “Yes, I loved Charlie, and if it weren’t for your brother, we’d probably still be together, and yes, I’d have been happy. But I’ve moved on, Adriana. Charlie isn’t my life anymore. When you accept that, maybe then, just maybe, we might have a chance.”
He stands, walking away without a goodbye. My brain takes a moment to click and follows only when it realizes it’s fucked up once again. Why am I so jealous and insecure? Charlie was never like this. She was always so calm and collected. Maybe that’s why he loved her, and you, Adriana, are the exact opposite.
I hop onto my feet and follow him quickly. His stride is faster than normal, quick to get away from the mess I’m dragging him into.
“Julian. Wait!”
He proceeds to ignore me, and I increase my pace until I’m at his side, holding his arm and forcing him to stop.
“I hate that I can’t stop thinking that you think of her when you’re with me. I don’t know what it is,” I cry openly in thin, strained sobs.
His face softens. “I’m trying here, Adriana, but you’re making it awfully hard for me. You don’t think I think the same way about Elijah? That every time you push me away, I’m not good enough?”
I listen to his words. He’s right. I loved Elijah. He was my husband until death do us part. I have a son. Julian will always be reminded of the fact that he isn’t the first priority in my life. Now that I’ve taken a moment to think about his feelings, it’s unfair how I’m behaving. “I didn’t think about it that way.”
“Well, I do, Adriana.”
This is the thing about insecurities—it’s the ugliest trait a person can have. The problem is no amount of reasoning or voices in your head can ease them for you. Even when another person tries to reassure you, the words are lost and have no meaning. Sometimes it takes another person’s heartache for you to realize how stupid and insignificant your insecurities are. In this moment, Julian put it in perspective by allowing me to see a piece of him that’s hurting. It’s only now I realize he isn’t immune to feeling insecure just because he’s handsome and intelligent.
I grab his hand and lace my fingers into his, closing the gap between us. He doesn’t say a word as we stroll the block toward the hotel. Inside the lobby, I continue to walk to the elevator, pressing the button to my floor. When the door pings open, I pull out my card and swipe at my door. My heart is running a marathon, the thump hammering so hard, my airways start to constrict in panic. I need to show him how much I care for him, he deserves that.
And it’s my last night here. Now or never. Okay, maybe not never, but who knows when I’ll see him again.
With a soft click of the door behind us, there’s a glow from the city lights filtering in the room. I place the card into the socket and turn on one lamp. It lights the room enough that I can see him and not overly to the point where all body parts are under a spotlight. Oh God… he’s going to see me naked!
Guiding him to the bed, I motion for him to sit, straddling myself over him. I wrap my arms around his neck, giving myself some control over the situation.
“It scares me that I’ve never been with someone like you.” I’m frightened to say the words, pausing while I contemplate baring my soul. “I’ve only ever been with one man.”
He draws a deep breath as I study his lips, watching as he bites on the corner of his mouth. His index finger traces my cheekbone, gliding the tip as he moves toward my mouth. I feel my lips quiver, but with one touch, he eases my jitters as his thumbs sweep my bottom lip.
“I won’t