guess…” Alchan began to rub his temples as he opened his eyes again. They were filled with a pain Mave could feel in her chest. “I guess I don’t want to be him, and not having children is the easiest way to do that.”
“You aren’t him. I know I never knew him, but…I know a terrible male from a good one,” she said, reaching out to tap his chest. “I think you would be a good father.”
“Then you don’t understand what a bedru is,” he whispered, a haunted expression coming over his face. “You don’t understand the monsters we are by our very nature.”
“Well, if that’s what you want to believe, fine, be stubborn. I’m too tired to have an argument with you.” She shrugged, dismissing him, as he dismissed her, by turning away from him. It prompted a growl from him.
“There’s something else.” That made her look his way again. “You know, I could have children,” he said, his voice edging on dangerous. There was a threat tucked into his tone that made Mave still. She even tried to stop her breathing. “I could order a female to get into my bed and spread her legs for the good of Anden, for the good of the Andinna, and have children like that.” He snapped his fingers. “Even if she hated me. And don’t think the thought never crossed my mind.” He took a deep breath, and she watched as the threatening tension left him, and his expression softened. “I hate myself for it. I hate having that power. I hate knowing I might need to use it one day and not having a way out of it. Why do you think I hate having Lilliana near me? In my house? She has no other safe place to go, but every day, I’m confronted with two things. One, she wouldn’t even fight back. It would be all too easy to get what I need out of her. Two…” He gave her a desperate look, one she’d seen before when he looked at Rain on any day, wishing they could be together away from the world.
Mave heard the admission he didn’t want to speak.
He wants her.
“Does Rain know?” she asked softly.
“No, and you won’t tell him,” Alchan growled. Mave only nodded, hoping that would subdue him. “Now, you understand. I am scared, not just of being a father but of the very act of procreating. That’s why I fight so hard. I don’t want to take away someone’s choice, the way mine was taken, the moment I realized I was the pure member of my family. And I don’t want to end up being him, a male who hated his children because of what they represented in his life, unable to love them. The idea of me becoming a father is…terrifying. In every way.”
“I’m sorry,” she said gently, reaching out to touch his cheek. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“I didn’t tell you anything Luykas or Rain doesn’t know,” he said, shrugging in a casual way that contradicted the sharpness of his gaze. “It’s not easy to talk about. Now, I should get back. They’ll come looking for us soon. Good night, Mave. I’ll send Bryn home.”
“Thank you,” she called as he stomped away. She watched him make an effort to square his shoulders and look like a king again, head held high as if he had all the answers and could save the world. She headed home, sighing as she sat down at her table, alone. Moments later, Bryn walked in.
“What did you and Alchan talk about?” he asked, sitting across from her.
“He wants me to train him,” she whispered, looking at her hands. “There was other stuff, but it was between us.”
“Of course, love.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Would you like some tea before bed?”
“That would be wonderful,” she said, smiling gratefully at him.
It wasn’t long before they found themselves in bed, hoping to get some sleep before dawn. Mave tried her best to sleep quickly, but the events of the night weighed on her. She stared at the ceiling of her bedroom, trying to process the last day and night until her exhaustion caught up with her.
19
Matesh
“Why did we pick the furthest Elvasi camp from home again?” Zayden asked, groaning as he rubbed his lower back.
“Because we’re the most experienced at these types of missions. Most Andinna don’t ride horses as much as we do,” Mat reminded his friend, knowing it was a rhetorical question,