Catalyst Page 0,42

that day. It's not the same this time."

"No," Cole said somberly, "it's not. There's more at risk, too. Cassie, I'd planned to do this if you were selected for the Purging. I had it all worked out, but I didn't plan for this." He pressed his lips together and stepped toward the large window. Looking out to the grounds below, he said, "It's worse than last time. You're right. But that means it's even more important to leave."

Cassie pressed her fingers into the crook of Cole's arm and pulled him around. She'd been thinking about it all morning. "You should go without me." When he opened his mouth to protest, Cassie cut him off. "No, listen. I'm a liability. I'll slow you down. You're stronger than me, less anemic." Cole was about to hush her. She could tell he wasn't even listening. Straightening her spine, she yelled in his face, "The vamps already know how strong you are, that you're not like the rest of us! Don't tell me to shut up, because I won't! Damn it, Cole! Listen to me! You might be able to pull this off twice, but I was lucky to live through it once." She drew in a deep breath, and her voice softened. "I can't run again. I won't survive."

"Cassie, don't say that. You're as strong as you think you are." He sounded desperate. Cole gripped her elbows, trying to talk sense into her, but Cassie pulled away.

"I'm safe here, Cole. I might not like the things they make me do, but I've done them before. I survived then. I can survive now." Cassie's face took on a vacant expression, like she was remembering something painful, something she wanted to forget. She stepped back to the window and gazed through the panes.

Cole followed her to the window, watching Cassie as she stared through the glass. "You never told me what happened exactly."

She shrugged, "There was nothing to tell. The King did forbidden things with me, with my other roommates. He was probably trying to pull that crap on Kahli when he called her. I survived that. I can survive, Brent." Her arms wrapped around her middle when she spoke. It was impossible not to notice the chill that covered her skin, like she was doused with a bucket of fear. Cassie rubbed her arms, trying to push away the memory of the King's hands on her. Brent would be nothing compared to that nightmare.

"I didn't know," Cole breathed behind her. For once, he didn't touch her. He tripped over his words, making a few false starts before saying, "I'm sorry, Cass."

She turned toward him, a sad smile on her face. "It wasn't your fault. It's life. And it's a good life - the best we could hope for." That was the truth. Those thoughts had been floating through her mind all day. This was better than the alternative. Cassie was weak, she couldn't survive another escape, another trek through the frozen hills. She only held Cole back, and slowing him down when this was going on would be fatal. Cassie didn't want to be the one who got him killed. Staring at Cole, she said softly, "I'm not going with you."

Cole's jaw dropped. "You can't mean that. Cassie, don't do this."

She felt so hollow, so lost. If there was another option, Cassie would take it, but there wasn't. She couldn't risk Cole's life this time. She wasn't a child anymore. She couldn't let him do it. Lying to Cole was the only way to get him to go without her. She forced a smile and pressed her lips together, "I was talking to the other girls and they're really excited about tonight, and so am I. I mean, I wouldn't have picked Brent, but he's better than some of the others."

"Cassie," he murmured, shocked. Cole's eyes grew wide. "You don't know what you're saying."

"You forget, Cole, I do. I know exactly what I'm saying. I know exactly what will happen. I'm going to my Pairing. I'm cooperating. I'll go back to my bed tonight with a smile on my face, and if I'm lucky, I'll have a baby in me, too. You know how the Queen treats the women who are with child." She smiled broadly, wistfully, "That'll be me. Be excited for me, Cole. I want this. I've been thinking about it. This is so much better than the alternative." While Cassie spoke, she smiled at him even though her stomach was twisting