didn’t know there were this many pregnant women in all of England.’
‘It happened when they moved,’ she whispered, lowering her voice so that the mombies wouldn’t hear. ‘Suddenly there were all these shiny couples hanging around their house. Very straight, very white, literally no sense of humour.’
‘So, Dave’s friends?’ I guessed.
‘That’s what I thought at first but there can’t be this many people on earth who actually like him,’ Sumi reasoned. ‘Every time I went over there were more of them. I blame you for leaving. I think she was auditioning to replace you in case you never came back.’
‘Looking for a shinier version with more functions?’ I asked, comparing myself to the sparkly herd of pregnant women, swarming around my friend.
Sumi shrugged. ‘When you buy a new phone, you don’t ask for a model that’s worse than the one you have, do you?’
‘When I buy a new phone, I accidentally send a text out to everyone I’ve ever met and end up getting spammed by personal accident lawyers morning, noon and night,’ I replied. ‘Is it me or do they all have the same handbag?’
‘It’s not you.’ Sumi pressed her hand against her forehead and groaned. ‘How have I got a headache when we didn’t even drink last night?’
‘It’s only about to get worse,’ I warned cheerfully, watching as the door opened. ‘Patrick’s here.’
‘And he brought his friends,’ she sighed happily. Behind Patrick was Adrian and behind Adrian was John. ‘This should be fun.’
‘Wow.’
Patrick, hair mussed, shirt, tie and trousers all tailored to perfection, swooped down on my best friend before greeting me, planting here-I-am kisses on both of her cheeks before she could protest. The charm offensive, I noted with relief, was on. His black tie was loosened slightly at the throat, the top button was undone and his sleeves were rolled halfway up his perfectly toned forearms. He looked as though he’d just stopped in on his way to compose an epic love poem or rescue a baby from a burning vehicle. He was perfect.
‘This is incredible, Sumi. Did you do all this?’
‘Yes,’ she lied, giving me an almost imperceptible look of disapproval. ‘Nice to see you, Patrick.’
‘It’s been a long time,’ he said genially, bending down to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Good to see you again.’
‘Is it though?’ she asked, smiling at the warning on my face. ‘I’m joking, I’m glad you came. On time.’
He cleared his throat and stuck his hands in his pockets. He had never really known how to deal with Sumi, she was the only person impervious to his charms, his intelligence and his never-ending supply of witty comebacks. Sumi was Patrick’s kryptonite.
‘You look beautiful.’ Patrick gave me a brief but tender kiss. ‘I missed you last night, what did you get up to?’
‘We went dancing,’ Sumi answered for me. ‘It was amazing, we had the most incredible time.’
‘I can’t believe you took my girlfriend out dancing and left me all alone at home to work,’ he said, wrapping his arm round my waist. Girlfriend, I registered, stunned. He called me his girlfriend.
‘You should have come with us,’ Sumi said, bundling Adrian and then John into hugs, a much warmer welcome than she’d reserved for Patrick. I caught John’s eye and then quickly looked away. ‘Dark Disco is amazing, isn’t it, John?’
‘You were there too?’ Patrick said, his tone light and breezy but the look he gave me was anything but. ‘Now I really do feel left out.’
‘If it makes you feel any better, I wasn’t invited,’ Adrian said as it became clear that John had no interest in joining in the conversation.
‘Yeah but you were too busy with your girlfriend,’ Sumi sang. ‘Where is she anyway? This mythical beast of a woman who’s infected you with such an incredibly virulent strain of feelings?’
‘Having a wee.’ Adrian blushed. ‘I think she’s nervous about meeting you all.’
‘Isn’t this the part where you’re supposed to say “Why would she be nervous?”’ Patrick asked me.
‘No,’ Sumi, John and I all said all at once.
‘I’ll talk to her, if you like,’ Patrick said, clapping Adrian on the back while Sumi made a very sour face, this time not even attempting to hide it. ‘Tell her none of you bite.’
‘At least he’s trying,’ Sumi said to me, loudly and very much in front of Patrick. ‘Excuse me, I think the caterer is trying to get my attention. Go, have fun, drink a juice, do not kill yourself.’