‘I got the sack,’ I said, dipping my spoon into the coconut. It was fine. ‘I hated my life in DC. I was lonely and miserable and I got the sack. Does that help?’
I turned away and gazed out the window.
‘What do you mean, you got the sack?’ Sumi asked.
‘They let me go,’ I replied, remembering the conversation so clearly. Sitting there in my boss’s office, the HR person explaining they were terminating my contract, my boss refusing to make eye contact, and me, just sitting there, overwhelmed with shame. ‘I wasn’t good enough and I got the sack. The end.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asked, softening her voice and reaching for my hand. ‘Ros?’
‘Because I was embarrassed,’ I replied, closing my eyes and breathing in. As soon as I said it, I felt incredibly stupid.
‘You were embarrassed to tell me you lost your job?’ Sumi squeezed my hand and I opened one eye to see a small smile on her face. ‘Seriously? Even though I know your deepest, darkest secrets?’
I sniffed and squeezed her hand back.
‘Don’t you dare,’ I warned in a thick voice.
‘Even though I know you had a wee in your cat’s litter tray when you were twelve?’ she said. ‘Even though I know you found out the hard way that a blow job does not mean you blow on a penis?’
‘Oh my god, shut up,’ I groaned, pulling my hand away and covering my face.
‘Even though I had to take you to A&E after you tried to use cotton wool as a makeshift tampon and were convinced you had toxic shock syndrome?’
‘I was wondering if you’d like to order now?’ asked the ashen-faced waiter. We looked up at his pale face and trembling lower lip and burst into hysterics.
‘Two large originals,’ Sumi said, gasping for breath. ‘With chocolate chips for her, coconut shreds and strawberries for me.’
He nodded and left. No further questions.
‘Tell me exactly what happened,’ she ordered. ‘I want to know all of it.’
‘It was horrible, I felt so worthless,’ I told her, so relieved I could have laughed. ‘It was fun at first, being in DC, but then it got on top of me and I was just so lonely. There were days at the weekend when I didn’t get off the settee because what was the point? And I didn’t know how to get myself out of it.’
‘Oh, Ros.’ Sumi looked like she might cry. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I wanted to but I couldn’t,’ I whispered. ‘I didn’t know how to start the conversation without sounding pathetic. And ever since I got back, it feels like all these doors are closing to me. Lucy is further away, Adrian’s got his girlfriend, even my parents don’t want me around. And now you’re going to take this incredible, incredible step, which I am so happy about and I’m sorry if it seemed as though I wasn’t because I am, I really am.’
She nodded in silence, her face open and kind and there for me, and it was enough.
‘It was easier before, everything was up for grabs. Something didn’t work out, you just did something else. Now it feels as though I have one less choice, one less option every day,’ I said, reaching for words I had struggled to find until now. ‘I know it’s not just me, I know lots of people are having a hard time right now, but I don’t know how to fix it and I feel as though I used to, or we used to.’
‘Don’t get upset,’ Sumi said, slowly, carefully. ‘But have you thought about talking to someone about this? A counsellor maybe? Only, I’ve been seeing one to talk about all the baby stuff and it’s life-changing. Not saying you need to or have to but just putting it on the table. It sounds like you’ve really been struggling.’
A rush of affection for my best friend ran through me. I’d dreaded this conversation, like I was trapped in a dark room all on my own, but now it was as though someone had pulled the curtains open from the outside. There was a light at last.
‘Have you talked to Patrick about any of this?’ she asked. ‘What does he say?’
I clenched my jaw and made a fist, suddenly tense. ‘I can’t talk to Patrick about any of this,’ I told her. ‘I don’t want him to know I got the sack, about any of it.’