into my mind’s eye; she wouldn’t stop falling, falling forward, slumping over the steering wheel over and over again. I’d met and spoken to tens of people in the last few months. Only two, three, tops, had become victims like the ones in my clip file.
But only three had provided an opportunity, hidden away from watchful eyes. And three was enough. Three was three too many.
Seconds ticked, minutes passed, hours struck. At half past two, I told Dave to go – there was no point in him being there, sad get.
‘Are you going to be OK?’ He was already shrugging on his jacket.
‘Of course. Off you go.’ Stop asking me if I’m OK, because if you knew the real answer, you’d be horrified.
Bill the chef left as usual at ten. Late on, there was no one in so I closed up at quarter to eleven. I turned all the lights off and sat behind the bar in the dark. I was thinking about Katie and how I’d not seen her in days.
I dug my phone out of my bag, switched it on and called her.
‘Mum?’ She sounded like she was in a disco or something, judging by the noise.
‘Katie, love, is that you?’
‘Course it’s me, Mum. It’s my phone.’ She laughed. ‘Mum? Are you all right?’
‘Course I am. Not seen you, that’s all.’
‘I’ve been at Liam’s.’ The background noise became suddenly quieter, though I could hear what sounded like a road. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘I’m fine. It’s me asking if you’re all right, remember?’
‘I know, I just thought… Are you sure you’re OK?’
Jeez, don’t you start. ‘I’m fine. About to set off home. Your dad’s out, so shall I call and get us a bottle of wine in? I’m going past the off-licence. I could order a pizza, too. I know it’s late, but we could watch a film, stay up past midnight, eh, be wild, what d’you reckon?’
She hesitated. Quite right, I supposed. It’d been over a year since we’d shared a bottle and made ourselves cry laughing looking at memes and silly videos on her phone. Over a year since we’d shared anything at all.
‘I thought you were… I’m in Warrington.’ The background noise died. ‘There’s a few of us. I’ve just stepped out of the club.’
I swallowed hard. Somehow this cut me to the bone in a way her rudeness never had. ‘That sounds like fun.’
‘I can come home. I… I thought you’d be doing something with Dad. Or Lisa.’
Dad and Lisa are doing something with each other, I didn’t say. Perhaps she didn’t know, then.
‘Will you heck come home,’ is what I did say. ‘Go on. Have a J?gerbomb for me, will you? For… old times.’
She gave a little laugh. And it’s pathetic, but I was so grateful for it, I started crying.
‘Let’s do pizza and wine next Friday, eh?’ There was a catch in her voice.
‘You’re on,’ I managed, but only just.
I was about to ring off when I heard her voice, small and trembling, from the speaker. ‘Mum? Mum, are you still there?’
I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m still here.
‘Did you need something?’
‘No, I… Mum? I just… love you.’
I closed my eyes, covered the phone with my hand and took a great gulp of air. When I thought I could last the seconds, I took my hand away. ‘Love you too, love,’ I whispered. ‘Have a good night.’
I rang off. My hands were on my knees. My hair had come out of its clip and was stuck to my forehead. The bottom of my nose was raw. I pushed at my face with my hands. I didn’t bother with a tissue or even the hem of my T-shirt. Tears were an inconvenience but I knew there’d be no stopping them, not today. Katie was off out. Mark would be making small talk with boring Roy surrounded by men in cashmere jumpers, or over at my best friend’s house stroking her hair and telling her he didn’t know what he’d do without her. There was no rush for me to get back. To anywhere. Ever. I wanted out. I wanted to press the ejector seat on life but didn’t know how to do it. It was like murder, a question of practicalities. Timing. Nerve. Opportunity.
Was that what I’d been doing these last months? Was that what I’d done? Tried to kill myself by proxy? See how far my high-scoring empathy could take me in someone else’s death? Had I been trying