OK, Rach?’ Her voice was quiet down the line. ‘Where are you?’
‘I’m just walking back from seeing Dad.’
‘I thought you were staying there for the evening?’
‘Well, I changed my mind.’
Another painful silence while she dug around for something to say. ‘Are you sure you’re OK? I’ve got loads of pizza. The girls’d love to see you – it’s been ages. Why don’t you come?’
‘Don’t be daft,’ I managed. ‘You enjoy your girls while they’re here. I’m fine, honestly.’
‘You sure? Please come. I’ve hardly seen you all summer, and Mark said…’ She tailed off.
‘Mark said what? When did you speak to Mark?’
‘No, I… I mean, I saw him… in Church Street. Only in passing, like. He said you’re barely at home anymore. Just want you to be careful that’s all.’
She’d hesitated over where she’d seen Mark. Had he told her I’d spoken to that Jo and that I wouldn’t call the police number a couple of months back? It sounded like she’d seen him recently. I wondered if I’d get home to find an ambulance waiting, a swift needle, kind men with soft voices asking me to come with them. Mark had promised he’d never do that again.
‘Don’t you worry about me,’ I said, deliberately misinterpreting her concern. ‘I’m the invisible woman, remember?’
She didn’t laugh.
‘Rach,’ she said with a sigh. ‘Mark’s worried about you. I’m worried about you. Your Katie’s worried about you. Seriously, if not tonight, how about tomorrow night? Come on, why don’t—’
‘I’m working tomorrow. Double shift, I’ll be knackered. Listen, I’ll leave you to it, love. Got to go. We’ll catch up good and proper next week, all right?’
‘All right, love.’ She sounded defeated. I knew I was putting up a wall but I couldn’t help it. ‘I’ll be here twiddling my thumbs, day or night, here or not here as you need. You’d be doing me a favour, to be honest.’
‘Must dash. Give my love to the girls.’ I couldn’t stand it a second longer. I rang off without waiting for her to say goodbye and tried unsuccessfully to suppress the long wail that left me. I dug in my bag, found the tissues I’d started carrying in case of nosebleeds. I took one out, unfolded it and pressed it against my face. On the road, traffic hummed, close, closer, fading, gone. Footsteps sounded on the pavement. I hunched myself over, small as I could. The steps amplified, snatches of conversation got louder along with them… but I was thinking if I got the red one then it’d go with them sandals… quieter… you know them ones I got in the sale with the gold buckles… The footsteps ebbed. A moment, two, the yawn-like sigh of another passing car.
No one saw me there. I was a shadow, less than a shadow, against the cold wall.
37
Rachel
The woman who takes me to the loo and stands outside the lockless cubicle has come in with a tray. There are two cups of tea and some Nice biscuits. The sugar granules glitter as they pass through a shaft of sunlight. They brought me some orange squash yesterday. It’s amazing how nice squash tastes when someone else makes it and when you’ve not had it since you were about ten. It’s all oddly civilised. Here’s some light refreshments while you give us all we need to lock you away for a very long time. There’s something a bit Titanic about it, the string quartet playing on the deck while the ship sinks. If it was a string quartet. Might have been a full orchestra. I forget, forget if I ever even knew.
‘You refer to Lisa in the past tense,’ Blue Eyes says, readjusting her bottom on the chair and pulling her long black wrap skirt over her crossed leg. Her shoes today are soft black leather ankle boots with studs going up one side and a wedge heel. ‘You’re no longer friends?’
‘I’ve not told her we’re not. But we’re not.’
‘Why not?’
Why not indeed. Because minutes after I’d spoken to her on the phone, she drove past me. I was on the corner of our road and it was definitely her. She has a silver-grey Ford Focus and the passenger side had been keyed a year or two before and still had the scratch. She was driving quite fast, it seemed to me, and if she saw me, she didn’t let on. I only noticed her at the last moment, but her face was stern, her shoulders high, the whole position of her